Finding Your Joy in Motherhood

I realize my post title today may have caused you to pause for a moment.  Finding your joy?  Isn’t motherhood always joyful?

Maybe for you it is.  Me?  I must admit that there are often times I have trouble finding my joy in motherhood.

I know what you’re probably thinking.  How can she say that? 

I know.  I hear myself read the words aloud and I would probably be having the same thoughts you may be having about me right now.  It sounds terrible.  But in this current season of mommyhood, it’s honest.  So today, if you're a mama who is struggling to find her joy in motherhood...this one is for you sister.  

Let me start by saying, I absolutely find joy in my children.  I love them more than my own life and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in this world.  But one night I was standing over a sink full of bottles that needed to be washed in a kitchen that looked like a tornado had come through it, and I realized that I was having some serious trouble finding my joy in motherhood.

You see, becoming a mother utterly rocked my world.  I was no longer responsible just for myself, but now held all responsibility for this tiny, precious child.  I was now a co decision-maker for someone else's life and I took the weight of barring that responsibility heavily.  

My husband and fellow co-decision maker,  is wonderful and we absolutely are a team {playing man on man defense most days}.  But I began to hold resentment towards him and the fact that in my mind, I was carrying the weight.  I was the one responsible for making sure everyone got to where they needed to go, the house was clean (I mean er, picked up), dinner was on the table, stuff for school was packed, appointments made, etc.   Maybe it was the fact that I had recently had baby girl #2 (hello postpartum hormones!), but all of the sudden I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. 

I began to feel weighed down with the responsibility of being a mama to these two precious girls.  

It wasn’t them.  It wasn’t even my husband.  It was me.  It was my attitude towards the day to day, running a household, trying my hardest to remember everything and hold the fort down thing that got to me.  To put it simply, I was overwhelmed with the responsibility that being a mother often brings. To be looked at as someone's everything proved to be a bit more than I could handle.    

Washing bottles.  Doing the laundry.  Picking up toys night after night.  Cleaning the house.  Keeping schedules in order.  Packing lunches.  I mean, they aren’t things that exactly rev my soul up, ya know?

I would rather focus on snuggling with my babies, reading books to my oldest at bedtime, playing dress up, and making silly faces to get my littlest one to laugh out loud.  Oh that sweet sound of a child laughing.    It will never grow old to me.  You know, I just want the sweet moments of motherhood.  The moments that cause your heart to bust with joy and contentment. The moments they make movies about on the Hallmark Channel. 

The responsibility for running the day to day duties, well, I could easily give those up to someone more qualified.  

Back to the night where I stood over that sink full of bottles that needed to be washed, in the kitchen that looked like a tornado had hit it, I was convicted that it was my attitude that needed to be changed. 

I needed a heart of servanthood.

Credit: Catt Liu

  

Heck, more than my heart, I needed my mind to shift towards servanthood.  These tasks may be time consuming or even aggravating to do at times, but I can teach my girls what service looks like, what the love of Jesus looks like, if I change my heart and do these things with a joyful attitude.

In order to change my heart from groaning to servanthood, I needed strong help from the Holy Spirit. 

And so I prayed. 

Lord, change my heart. 

Help me to see that this is not just washing bottles, but a way to serve my family.  Help me to be grateful that we have toys for our children to play with when there are others who don’t have this same privilege.  Change my perspective.  Show me how to serve my family through the small everyday tasks.  Convict me when I begin to groan again. 

Changing my heart towards servanthood is a process.  One I need to check myself daily on.  Some days are better than others and I find it easy to find joy in those tasks.  Other days, I can feel my heart is not a servant’s heart and I have to quickly reassess myself and adjust my perspective.

Have I prayed for my family today?  Was I in God’s word today?  Am I just tired? Was there a problem I had earlier in the day that may be affecting the way I’m acting now?  These are just a few of the questions I use to reflect on.  This process may look differently for you. 

Notice, I didn't call this post "Finding THE Joy in Motherhood," but rather "Finding YOUR Joy in Motherhood," because joy may look differently for each of us.  You may be a mama that enjoys doing the day to day activities and excels at being the "go to" for your household.  If you are one of these mamas, let me just say, you rock.   I don't measure up in this arena and you mama's seriously amaze me with your heart for service for your family in this way.

Or maybe you're a mama who is overwhelmed with financial burdens and you're trying your best to make due with what you have to offer.  You want the best for your family and you're carrying around so many burdens; offering so much sacrifice.   Find joy?  You're focusing on the next bills coming in, just trying to make it through the days.  I've been there.  I still am there. God sees you sister.  I see you too.

Maybe your kids drive you insane sometimes.  Maybe they even make you straight crazy.  But you love them.  You adore them.  But this mama thing is hard.  Period.  It's the hardest and best job all rolled into one.  I see you today too.  You're just trying to hold it all together for fear that one more thing may send you over. the. edge.  Oh sister, my heart for you is deep.  

Maybe it isn’t motherhood you need to find your joy in.  Maybe it’s your marriage.  Your job.  Or maybe you need to find your joy in yourself again. 

Whatever you need to find your joy in again, can I encourage you today to approach it with a new perspective?  One of servanthood and grace.  Sometimes joy can be found in the little things like bath time or singing at the top of your lungs in the car with your kids.  Sometimes, it's a bit harder to find if you're weighed down with burdens.   But sister, it's there.  

You know, I have to remind myself sometimes that as aggravating as those bottles are to wash, they will soon be gone because my baby will be grown.  One day, sooner than I hope it to be, those toys will be put away or given to another family because my girls will be too old for toys like Sophia and Elmo.  And I will stand over the sink in my kitchen that will probably still look like a tornado hit it, and I’ll think back to the time when surviving the day to day of raising small children was a hard feat.  One I often failed at. 

  

But hopefully I will  have taught my daughters what a heart to serve others looks like, because they will have learned from their mama who took joy in doing the little everyday things for them; like packing their lunches and doing their laundry.  Oh how I pray I teach them how to love and serve others as He has called us to do!

If you're struggling to find your joy today, let me encourage you.  I know it's hard sometimes.  I also know that I serve a God who has created me to be the mother to my two precious girls. Not a perfect mother.  But the mother that they need.  And that is something I take immense joy in.  

May you find your joy in motherhood today friend. 

May you find it in your marriage, or your job, or yourself.  

May you take delight in the things that we so often overlook.

 May you go forward pursuing a heart of servanthood.  

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To the Women Who Hold My Babies at Church

Where should I begin?

Thank you.

Those two words are loaded with more gratitude than anything I could ever write or say.  I often think of you.  I think of what made you so compassionate.  So willing to serve.  So willing to give of your time.

Is it that you enjoy the tight hugs and sloppy kisses from little ones?

Is it that you are drawn to little ones that need to learn the love of Jesus just as much as the adults that walk through the church doors?

Is it a calling you feel the Lord has placed on your life?

Or is it that you simply see me, a mama who often needs an extra set of hands, trying her best to raise her babies in the church?

Maybe in some way it is all of these.  Whatever the reason, you have no idea the gratitude and love I have for you in my heart. 

It must seem most Sunday’s that we are rushed.  We rush into the nursery.  We rush into the sanctuary, putting children where they need to go, leaving them in your hands so that we can worship. You probably think what you do is small, not even worth recognition.  You may think that all you do is babysit the children.  Let me tell you why what you do is not small at all.  Let me express my heart to you and for what you do…it’s immeasurable to me. 

If it weren’t for you, I couldn’t participate in worship. 

I couldn’t hold a microphone every Sunday, pouring out my heart through song and praise. 

I couldn’t sit in the sanctuary, Sunday after Sunday soaking up the word of God.

Your gift allows me to learn more about my gifts and calling.  It allows my husband and me to sit side by side with one another and take a few moments to breathe in the grace we both so desperately need.  I want you to know that your compassion for giving up your own time to worship doesn’t go unnoticed. 

I know it may seem like all you do is wipe noses, pick up toys, and try to keep the children from running around like chickens with their heads cut off.  Or maybe that’s just my child.    

But oh, you do so much more.

Did you know you’re helping us lay a foundation for our children?   There will come a time when the things you have done and the time you have given become part of a much larger plan and purpose for our children. 

You are a woman of influence.

Thank you for your dedication.  Thank you for serving in this most unique way.  Whether you spend time changing babies’ diapers, or coloring a picture of wee Zacchaeus in his tree for the thousandth time, you matter.  You are helping lay the foundation of Christ in our little ones.  You are showing them what service looks like, no matter the duty.  You are showing them dedication in the most beautiful way.

They won’t understand it…yet. 

But one day, one day, they will hold hands with their little ones and leave them in someone else’s hands so that they can go worship.  They will have the privilege of taking a few moments to themselves to breathe and reboot just as we do.  They will have the privilege because of you.  Because you helped their parents learn how to raise godly children.  And it will trickle down the generations.  The little ones who noses you wiped, and who you taught all those Bible songs to, now they are warriors for Jesus. 

And so for that and so much more, this mama can’t thank you enough. 

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One of Satan's Biggest Lies to Mothers

I could barely make it to the car before I could feel the tears starting to fill my eyes.  It was the third day in a row I had picked up my oldest daughter and got a bad report on her behavior.  I was shocked it kept happening day after day.  I couldn’t offer the teacher a reason for her sudden behavior rebellion because it wasn’t something she was doing at home.  I felt at a loss.  Why was she acting this way all of the sudden?  What was I not doing right? 

My husband came home that evening and could recognize my stress immediately.  I poured it all out to him over a pot of boiling spaghetti noodles. 

“I feel like a failure.” I said. “I just don’t know why she’s acting this way and I can’t figure out how to help.”

He looked stunned that this series of bad reports had caused such a raw reaction from me.  “Babe, she’s two and a half.  This stuff is going to happen.  It’s okay.”

Even though in my mind I knew that she was most likely just having a rough week and was displaying typical two year old behaviors, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t measuring up as her mother.  I thought somewhere or somehow I must have messed up to cause her to act out in this way.  Later that night as I laid my head on my pillow, I realized that this is one of Satan’s biggest lies to mothers.

You are a failure.

I had given him an open invitation to attack my shortcomings as a mother and he certainly took his opportunity.  I never suspected him.  He’s sneaky like that. 

It's not that our children can't be affected by our behaviors or choices, they can be.  But often times it is the enemy silently whispering to our heart you’re not good enough.  You’re a failure as a mother.

Maybe you’ve heard some of these very lies whispered to your heart:

You’re doing it wrong.

Look at the choices they're making.  That’s your fault.

Look at that mom.  She’s doing everything right.  You can never be like her.

You will never break the cycle of your past. 

You’ve been praying for this child for such a long time.  It’s not working! God’s not answering.

God doesn’t care about you or your child, otherwise he would fix this. 

We could go on and on.  It’s a downward slope full of his trickery and deceit.  Mama, you must remember his ultimate goal is to rob you of joy in raising your children, especially if you are raising them to follow Jesus. 

Oh yes.  There is nothing Satan wants more than to get inside the heart of a mama raising her babies for Jesus.  He will come after you harder than you can imagine. 

I don’t know if you’re a mama of little ones who is elbow deep in dirty diapers and just trying to keep one foot in front of the other, or if you’re a seasoned mama with older children who are facing some very adult decisions right now.  Either way, please hear my heart and words of encouragement for you this morning.

You are not a failure.

Maybe you have a wayward child that’s running as fast as they can away from the Lord and what you’ve taught them.  Or maybe you lost your temper with one of your little ones this morning when they were being defiant despite your best efforts.  Maybe your teenager is starting to make some choices that are not in line with their character.   

You are doing your best mama.  Give that child over to the Lord.  Don’t you believe Satan’s lie that you are a failure.

God cares about mothers.  God loves mothers.  He would never whisper to us that we are failing.

It’s true that children will make their own choices, and certain things are out of our control.  What we can do however, is provide them with the foundation of Christ.  If you are doing that, mama you’re doing alright.  No, more than alright.  You are doing great.

As mothers we have to arm ourselves first with the armor of God so that we can then arm our children.  We must be on guard.  We must recognize Satan’s lies.  


How do you know if it’s from God or from the enemy?

Satan’s whispers will always be ones of fear, judgement, insecurity, resentment and uncertainty. God whispers words of peace, comfort, grace, and security in Him.

As mama's we are often very good at recognizing our faults and limitations.  Satan will use these acknowledgements as opportunities to turn lies into what we think are truths.  

For example, patience is something I struggle with.  I know I need it, I just don't have that extra dose that other mama's seem to have. So Satan knows this about me (and yes, Satan knows things about you just as God does) and he attacks me when he knows my patience is thin.  Then the guilt comes. And my thoughts are turned to these:  "I didn't mean to be so impatient.  We were running late is all.  I feel terrible I got so frustrated with her.  I failed in this moment."

And there you go.  I let him win, just like that. Another way to recognize Satan's attack verses God's grace is to remember this: 

 Conviction comes from God.  Guilt comes from the enemy.  

It is crucial to our spiritual walk to understand the difference.  I may feel convicted to change my heart and to be more patient with my children, but guilt from being impatient comes from the enemy himself.  See the difference?

Oh mama, it is not an easy task to defeat the enemy's lies, but may I offer more encouragement to you today? 

Making mistakes and failing are two very different things as a mother.  We will make mistakes. We will lose our temper, raise our voices.  We will say the wrong things, even make the wrong decisions.  But we can grow and change because of grace.


Someone once told me that God perfectly matched children to their parents based off that child’s purpose and how it would align with His perfect plan for their lives.  This is a sweet reminder when I’m up against Satan’s lies. 

Maybe today you’re consumed with guilt over choices made in the past.  Or maybe your heart is burdened with worry for your children.  Maybe just maybe, you heard the enemy’s silent whispers today that you are a failure.  Keep these words in your heart today:

God loves you mama and He loves your children.  His intentions are always for good.

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Be in the Present

The dishes were piled up in the sink, along with the bills that needed to be paid and all I could do was sigh out loud.  My daughter continued to fight going down for her afternoon nap and I hadn't eaten lunch that day.  There was a dirty diaper out I had forgotten to throw away and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.   This was after all, what I had wanted for a long time.  This wasn't the way I had wanted it to happen, but the result was all the same.

I was smack-dab in the middle of my 5 week Living & Active Challenge when my everyday routine, my comfort, was shaken.  When I started with the first week of this challenge I shared with you in a video that Satan comes after those that are obedient to God and His plan, and friends I was no exception.

I had been laid off work due to the government shutdown.  My husband and I weren't sure how long I’d be out of work, or if I’d be able to come back at all the way everyone was speculating about things.  So this full-time working mama went straight to staying at home with her baby girl, and I wasn't so sure I was doing so well at my new job.

Uncertainty filled my eyes in the form of tears as I became overwhelmed at my new role and how much my life had suddenly changed in a moment’s notice.  But friends, as these feelings of doubt washed over me, I felt the Lord’s presence and heard Him say these precious words to my soul:

Be in the present.

 

So often our society focuses on the next thing.  We schedule out dates in our planners 2 years in advance.  We barrel through one task to get to the next one.   Our phones are always nearby so that we don’t miss a single thing that’s happened on Facebook or Twitter.   We continually focus on what needs to be done, rather than what’s been done.

In that moment standing over my kitchen sink full of dishes, the Lord reminded me of the precious time He had given me and it wasn't to be taken for granted.

Sometimes we’re meant to be in the present.

 

Sometimes we’re meant to just stop, rest, and enjoy the moment.  Because y’all, we’re missing it.  The leaves are starting to change color where I live which signals fall is here.  They will soon fall to the ground, be swept up into a pile and then discarded for the next season to arrive.

Don’t discard this moment in your life.  You won’t get it back.  Some of you reading this may not like where you’re at in your life at the present moment and that’s okay.  Something is to be said for the present you are in now.  God is working in your life right now.  Friend, He is there working even if you don’t see Him.   When we focus too much on the future, we miss out on what the Lord is doing in our lives in the present.

How is God working in your life right now?  What is He revealing to you in the present?

 

That day I decided to lay with my daughter for her nap.  I held her in my arms and laid my head against hers and watched her sleep peacefully.  I spent time taking her in; her facial features, how little her hands were, how she smiled in her sleep.  Because the fact is-

This moment is just a season of time.

One day her hands won’t be that little anymore.  One day she will grow up before my eyes and friends, I don’t want to miss a moment of this sweet present.

Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that the Lord has plans for our future, but He also has plans for us in the present.  He wants us to soak up these moments in our lives; trials or triumphs, hardships or difficulties, dirty dishes or a spotless house and find Him there in the midst of it.

These seasons in our lives come and go so quickly.  They are but moments in time.

I had every intention of writing through my 5 week challenge and sharing that journey with you.  But I felt God calling me to be in the present and just enjoy my time with daughter, so that’s what I did.   I am happy to share with you that I did complete my 5 week challenge and did return back to work.  I look back on that short precious time and I’m so thankful I took time to be in the present.

Friends, don’t miss what God is doing in the present. 

Is God calling you to be in the present?

Do you have trouble staying the present?

How is God working in your life in the present moment?

 

 

 

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God is Always on Time

Today's guest writer is Phyllis Watson.  Phyllis and I used to work together and I can tell you, this woman's heart is pure and Christ-filled.  Have you ever met someone and you just knew they loved everyone they came in contact with?  Well, that's Phyllis.  Today she shares the touching story of her daughter and son-in-law's adoption process and of course, how God's timing for it was well...perfect.

It was July 16, 2010 and I was being pushed into the operating room.  While getting ready for my surgery, the nurse began making small talk and asked me how many grandchildren I had.  Looking up at her I said, “None, but my daughter and son-in-law are going to adopt.  They just finished their paper work July 1st."  She asked when they would get a baby and I looked up at her and said, “Today would be a good day."

My surgery went well and as I returned to my room, my daughter was trying to show me a picture on her phone.  “Isn't he cute? This is him!”

Am I dreaming or still asleep?

"Mama they sent us a picture and he is so cute, look!”  He was beautiful but I still did not completely understand.

My daughter and son-in-law immediately texted back and said yes they were interested in him.

They were told they were one of five families who asked for him.

Four days later they were chosen.

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Psalms 127:3 (NLT)

The Lord’s timing was perfect when it came to Rebecca and Chris’ adoption process.

 

The social worker in charge of placing the baby had been in the same building at the very time Rebecca and Chris were completing their adoption interview.  She never saw them but she heard Chris' great laugh from another room.  “This baby should be with someone so happy.”  “He is such a happy baby, he needs a father like him,” she said.

God’s perfect timing.

It was three weeks into July and they got to pick the baby up.  He was three months old.  Samuel Ransom, named for my grandfather who I never got to meet and the story of Hannah in the Bible.  He was a precious gift given to us at the exact right time.

God answered a couple’s long-standing prayer, chose a time when we were distracted, allowed a social worker to hear a man's strong laugh, and gave a little boy a forever family.  A wonderful time began and has continued from that day.  

On April 24^th, Sam celebrated his third birthday.

Phyllis' son in law Chris, grandson Sam, and daughter Rebecca

Credit: Rebecca Autry

Phyllis, Sam, and Phyllis' husband John

Credit: Phyllis Watson



To God be the glory great things he hath done!

Phyllis' story speaks to how God can use anything to fulfill His plan!  He used Chris' laugh to get the attention of the social worker.  What a mighty God we serve!

Will you join me in praying for Chris, Rebecca, and sweet Sam?  Chris and Rebecca are church planters currently serving in Pennsylvania.  Help me lift them up and pray that God will provide them with all the resources and help they need to bring the Lord to the people in Pennsylvania.   

2

God is Always on Time

Today's guest writer is Phyllis Watson.  Phyllis and I used to work together and I can tell you, this woman's heart is pure and Christ-filled.  Have you ever met someone and you just knew they loved everyone they came in contact with?  Well, that's Phyllis.  Today she shares the touching story of her daughter and son-in-law's adoption process and of course, how God's timing for it was well...perfect.

It was July 16, 2010 and I was being pushed into the operating room.  While getting ready for my surgery, the nurse began making small talk and asked me how many grandchildren I had.  Looking up at her I said, “None, but my daughter and son-in-law are going to adopt.  They just finished their paper work July 1st."  She asked when they would get a baby and I looked up at her and said, “Today would be a good day."

My surgery went well and as I returned to my room, my daughter was trying to show me a picture on her phone.  “Isn't he cute? This is him!”

Am I dreaming or still asleep?

"Mama they sent us a picture and he is so cute, look!”  He was beautiful but I still did not completely understand.

My daughter and son-in-law immediately texted back and said yes they were interested in him.

They were told they were one of five families who asked for him.

Four days later they were chosen.

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Psalms 127:3 (NLT)

The Lord’s timing was perfect when it came to Rebecca and Chris’ adoption process.

 

The social worker in charge of placing the baby had been in the same building at the very time Rebecca and Chris were completing their adoption interview.  She never saw them but she heard Chris' great laugh from another room.  “This baby should be with someone so happy.”  “He is such a happy baby, he needs a father like him,” she said.

God’s perfect timing.

It was three weeks into July and they got to pick the baby up.  He was three months old.  Samuel Ransom, named for my grandfather who I never got to meet and the story of Hannah in the Bible.  He was a precious gift given to us at the exact right time.

God answered a couple’s long-standing prayer, chose a time when we were distracted, allowed a social worker to hear a man's strong laugh, and gave a little boy a forever family.  A wonderful time began and has continued from that day.  

On April 24^th, Sam celebrated his third birthday.

Phyllis' son in law Chris, grandson Sam, and daughter Rebecca

Credit: Rebecca Autry

Phyllis, Sam, and Phyllis' husband John

Credit: Phyllis Watson



To God be the glory great things he hath done!

Phyllis' story speaks to how God can use anything to fulfill His plan!  He used Chris' laugh to get the attention of the social worker.  What a mighty God we serve!

Will you join me in praying for Chris, Rebecca, and sweet Sam?  Chris and Rebecca are church planters currently serving in Pennsylvania.  Help me lift them up and pray that God will provide them with all the resources and help they need to bring the Lord to the people in Pennsylvania.   

2

Sometimes It's the Little Things...

Good morning friend  :)


We are having beautiful sunny days here and I'm anxiously anticipating warmer weather that is right around the corner.  I was on my way to work this morning, sunglasses on, radio blasting Chris Tomlin-ready for the day.  I just felt the sudden urge to ask God to lay something on my heart to write this morning. 

With that prayer came this thought:

sometimes it's the little things. 

A few weeks ago, my daughter Brooke was diagnosed with Torticollis and Plagiocephaly.  My husband and I had never even heard of these conditions before, so you can imagine our shock as Brooke's pediatrician broke the news to us.  As she went over the long-term effects and treatment options, I could barely focus.  Brooke was born with it, but we never knew it.  We had just finished a significant battle with weight gain and a diagnosis of silent reflux and now this.  On the outside I nodded my head in understanding but on the inside I was feeling so many emotions. 

I was resentful to be honest.  Why did my child have to have these issues?  I questioned.  And then questioned some more.  Every night my sweet girl would spend her evenings screaming while other babies seemed to be smiling and playing.  If we wanted her to look at us we had to get on her left side.   

Over the next few weeks we began physical therapy exercises to correct the Torticollis and Plagiocephaly.  Brian and I even joke that Brooke's theme song should be "to the left, to the left" (insert best Beyonce impression here) because that's the only direction she would look!

Until this morning that is. 

While I was getting ready for work, Brooke was in her boppy pillow on our bed.  She was babbling and I was doing my usual "where is mama" talk and she did it.  She actually looked for me...on her right side!  And then she kept her head straight for about 45 seconds.   This was a huge victory for us! 

Photo Credit: Amanda Martinsen



I was so excited that she did it that I screamed GOOD GIRL! in such a high pitched voice that I think I scared her.  But hey, I was a proud mama.  We've still got a long road ahead until we can fully treat her condition, but just her doing that this morning shows me that sometimes it's the little things. 



God is in the little things.

Sometimes we have to find victory in the little things.  Not all our days will be spent doing something incredible like Noah when he built the ark, or David when he defeated Goliath.  

Sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest difference.  The woman at the well was simply there getting some water, a mundane task to many of us.  But she ended up on a big journey...with Jesus.  

So if today you're struggling with feeling like you're not doing something "big enough" with your life or you're like me and you question a certain trial you are facing now-stay strong in faith with me friend.  God is there with you, here with me, and in the midst of all of us.  

God calls us to do big AND little things for His kingdom.    



Credit: Pinterest

I am so thankful that Brooke's condition is treatable and was caught early.  There are so many children that are facing more than she is and I am thankful hers is not more serious than it is.  But it does make me appreciate her little victories and rejoice in the ones to come. 

What little things have you been blessed by?

What has God shown you through the simple things in life?

Have a blessed day friend, and may you always find joy in the little things. 
Amanda

For more information on Torticollis/Plagiocephaly click on the following links:

http://www.babybegin.net/

http://www.plagiocephaly.info/resources/publications.htm

http://www.oandp.org/jpo/library/2004_04S_018.asp

 

5

The Birth of a Fighter

I've been wanting to write and share our daughter Brooke's birth story for some time now, but as usual I had to wait for God to lay the right message and words on my heart. I would love to finally share with you the birth of our miracle baby. 

I had no idea the journey that would lay ahead of me when I stared at those two pink lines.  I had no idea how I would be changed by someone so small.  I had no idea the trials we would endure to get her here and get her healthy.  And I certainly had no idea how God would use our situation to once again show us how great and powerful He really is.

My pregnancy with Brooke was filled with ups and downs; many that a lot of people never even knew about.  Brian and I were so relieved to have gotten pregnant at all that we never would have thought anything could go wrong.  At our first doctors appointment in my first trimester we were asked to come back the next week because my tests had revealed extremely low progesterone levels in my blood work.  This basically meant the baby wasn't growing.  We hadn't been able to hear a heartbeat yet, but it was early so I had faith that it would be there at our next appointment.  My doctor cautioned us that I may not carry the baby much longer.

At our next appointment we cautiously watched as the doctor tried to find a heartbeat.  Please Lord, let there be a heartbeat.  I know this baby is a fighter.  And there it was.  Boom.  Boom.  Boom.  Thank you Lord!  I will never forget my doctor telling us how surprised he was to hear a heartbeat that day and that it looked like baby was improving and growing on track.  "Well, that's where my God trumps your medical science all the time," I said with a confident smile. 

Fast forward through the next few months of morning sickness, picking out cute outfits, hosting a gender reveal party, and lining up baby showers.  We found out we were having a girl and couldn't have been more thrilled to start planning for her arrival. 

At our church shower: Alice in Wonderland theme!

Around the 26th week of my pregnancy I began to itch all over my body.  It was so severe that it kept me up at night. I would just claw away at my hands and feet.  Something in my gut told me this was not normal.  I called the doctor and made an appointment because I wanted to make sure it wasn't cholestasis of pregnancy or ICP.  My doctor assured me that ICP was extremely rare but to come in anyway and we would run some tests.

On October 31st I was driving in my car when my doctor called with the news that I did in fact have ICP.  I really don't know how I kept my eyes on the road.  Being diagnosed with ICP meant that Brooke would have to be delivered early because once past 38 weeks, a high risk of stillbirth could occur.  It meant being monitored extremely closely for the remainder of my pregnancy, being put on a handful of medications to monitor my blood levels and itching, and having her and I both exposed to many other scary risks.  This condition is so rare that my wonderful doctor had only ever had one other woman have it in his years of practice.  Most likely Brooke could have some difficulty breathing when she was born and I had the possibility of hemorrhaging as a side effect. Although the itching was unbearable at times, I told myself it was temporary and it would be over soon.  I also tried to have a sense of humor about it all.  I mean, I would be the one to get a rare condition!

On January 6th, I was admitted into our hospital and they began my induction process.  I had just turned 37 weeks.   

After 3 long days of labor and waiting; filled with moments of threatening a C-section, heart rate drops, and dangerous obstacles, we finally got to meet our beautiful girl. 

I have only shared the following pictures of Brooke with family and close friends.  I didn't want everyone seeing her in the state she was in when she was born, but now I understand that it's part of God's story for her.    

  

Brian and I didn't get to have the moment like what you often see on T.V.  There were no tears of joy, or a moment where she was put directly on my chest and we locked eyes for the first time.  Brooke had swallowed meconium and had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and wasn't breathing when she came out.  No one would tell us anything about her condition but I knew it was bad.  I didn't even know what she looked like, I could just hear her struggling to breathe.  She wasn't that beautiful pink color some babies are, she was blue.  She was immediately surrounded by doctors, nurses, and a respiratory team.  Then she was quickly taken to the NICU where she fought for her life. We just recently found out that her APGAR score was a 3 at birth.

One of the sweetest moments after Brooke was born was between my mother in law and I. They had been working on Brooke for some time and weren't telling us anything. My mother in law came into my room and put her check to my check and we both just started crying. She leaned into my ear and began to pray for Brooke. I will always cherish that beautiful moment between us. It helped me to calm down and begin to grasp what had happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It wasn't the blissful moment I had thought it would be.  It became about survival for my daughter.  I just wanted her healthy.  I wanted her safe.  I wanted to hold her, but I couldn't.  That was the most difficult thing I think.  I sat by her in the NICU just watching her trying to live and I couldn't hold her, comfort her.  Finally getting to hold her was a huge victory but it broke our hearts to see her hooked up to all those wires and machines. 

 

 

 

 

 

Over the next few days Brooke made great strides and it was such a joyous moment when we were finally able to have her in our hospital room.  We had so many people praying for us that I know it made a difference in Brooke's recovery. 

 

After a LONG stay in the hospital, we were finally able to bring Brooke home.  We would still have a battle with jaundice and weight loss ahead, but Brooke continued to fight her way through everything. 

 

Almost two weeks to the day after I had Brooke, I began to hemorrhage.  I walked out the door of our house thinking I might not return to my baby girl.  It was the scariest thing I have ever experienced.  After a successful surgery, I was able to return home to my sweet girl and finally begin my recovery.  Brooke and I were two peas in a pod, sharing our war wounds. 

 

 

 

Brooke amazes me everyday.  From the very beginning she's had to fight her way through everything.  I definitely think God blessed us with a strong willed little girl. 

 

Although I didn't know all the trials we would face throughout my pregnancy and Brooke's birth, I see now how God made all that a part of her story.  She's already dealt with a lot and that's going to contribute to her character as she grows up. 

 

I'm so happy to share that Brooke is a healthy girl now.  She is beautiful.  Strong.  A night owl like her mama.  Laid back like her daddy.  And she is a child of God.  We can't wait to raise her up to be an example of all that God has blessed her with and His never ending love.  Her birth once again showed me God's power and His unending presence.  There is no sunshine message in this post other than to say that God never lead us down the wrong path during this whole experience.  I know that His healing hand was always over both of us at all times.  The situation could have easily been worse, but He wrapped Brooke in His arms and gave her strength to get better.  So yeah, I guess that is a sunshine message.  She is my sunshine.  She is my message.                  

 

 

Go now baby girl and make your place in this world. 

 

Brooke Catherine Martinsen

01.09.13

7lbs. 0oz.

20.5 inches long

 

 

Thank you for reading this long post!  There was so much to share and I confess that I need to work on editing down my posts!

 

 

Have you or someone you know been diagnosed with ICP?  Click here for more information on the condition and treatment options. 

 

What trials have you faced where you God gave you the strength to fight through them?

 

 

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