God, Help My Unbelief

Several months ago I was invited to go on a mission trip several hours away from my home.  Our missions team would spend the weekend with a community of women in the mountains, helping to cultivate new relationships with them and grow their various ministries.

I was so excited for the opportunity, but the trip would take over five hours and it was a drive I would have to make by myself (our team was coming from all over the state). Driving alone on the mountain roads to a place I had never been just sent my anxiety into a tailspin.

For anyone else, this would probably have been no big deal. But for me, the more I thought about that drive, the more anxious I became.

MY MIND BEGAN TO CIRCLE AROUND ALL THE THINGS THAT COULD GO WRONG AS I TRAVELED BY MYSELF.

Not too long before the trip during one of my devotion times with Jesus, I came across a story of a father and his son. And the message of this story was just what I needed to hear. When we come to this story in Mark 9, Jesus, along with Peter, James, and John have just come down from The Mount of Transfiguration (read Mark 9:2-32). A large crowd has gathered, and through it comes a father in desperate need of help. The father says:

Teacher, I brought my son so you could heal him. He is possessed by an evil spirit that won’t let him talk. And whenever this spirit seizes him, it throws him violently to the ground. Then he foams at the mouth and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast out the evil spirit, but they couldn’t do it. (verses 17-18)

Jesus asks the father how long this has been happening, and the father tells Jesus it’s been happening since he was a little boy. And then in verse 22, we find this father’s final plea for help.  

“The spirit often throws him into the fire or into water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us, if you can.”

“What do you mean, ‘If I can’?”Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.”

The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” (verses 22-24)

My heart just breaks for this father.  Can you imagine how many years of anguish he has felt over his son?  Wanting desperately to help him but not knowing how.

Until that one day when he is able to make his way to Jesus.

Jesus responds to him by asking “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?”  I don’t think Jesus was giving a sarcastic response to this father.  I think He was meeting this father where he was at, and affirming the power He himself had.

Can I be honest for a moment, friends?  I think the reason this particular story hit me so hard that day was because of the father’s last response to Jesus.

“I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” (verse 24)

You see, I believe Jesus is real. I believe He is alive. I believe He is working in ways we can’t imagine and in ways we don’t even see yet. But every now and then, that unbelief kicks in and that twinge of doubt sets in that maybe, just maybe, this is the time Jesus won’t come through for me. Have you ever been there?

Head to More to Be to finish reading this post and let's talk with each other about our struggle with unbelief.

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It’s Okay that You’re Not Okay

Hey friend,


I know you’re trying so hard to hold it together right now.  I know it seems like everything is falling apart and you don’t know which way to turn.  I know that it all seems out of control and grasping at straws is how you live your life nowadays.  Can I tell you something?


It’s okay that you’re not okay right now. 


It’s okay that life seems restless and chaotic.  Topsy turvy even. That doesn’t mean it feels good.  I know it doesn’t.  It’s draining. It’s daunting. Sometimes even down right painful.   
  

But friend?  


Just stop. Stop pretending right now. You don't have to fake it another minute. You don’t have to pretend that it’s all okay or that you’ve got everything under control. You don’t have to keep trying to figure out what is coming next. You don’t even have to pretend to like your current circumstance. 

I know the guard you’ve got up. Hell-bent on trying to prove to others that you’re holding it all together, that you’re taking it all like a pro. That you can handle anything that is thrown at you. 


But the reality of it friend? We can't. We can't handle any of it without Him.


You don’t have to always be okay.  Because it’s during the times of being unsettled and restless when we will continually seek God.  We will probably seek Him harder than we ever have before.  And we should.  We should chase Him down because He is the only hope we've got to get through it.  

It's during those times of not being okay when our prayers are prayed in desperation and sometimes hopelessness.  And all of that works together for our good in the messiest and most beautiful ways. 


Friend, just hang in there. 


This is where God often does His best work.  Oh yes.  The times when you're on your knees in desperation and complete surrender. Unsure of the future. Even downright burdened and overwhelmed with the current circumstance. Stuck in the ick and can’t get out.  This is where we draw close to our Creator.  The One who goes before us and knows our every need. 


This season of not being okay is temporary.  You need to know this.  I know that right now it doesn’t feel that way.  I know that right now you can’t see an end to it all and you’re wondering where in the world God is in all of this and what you’re supposed to do next.  


How can God redeem this?  How can He bring good from this?  


Oh sweet friend, you just watch.  

I know it's hard, but it’s okay to release those things to Him. The things you want to hold so tightly to, but know you can't.  Your children. Your marriage. Your dreams. The things you don’t understand in this world.  You can release it all to Him.  You can stop worrying about whether or not God will come through on His end.  He will. Because He’s the same God He’s always been.  He hasn’t changed.  

The same God that provided manna each day for the Israelites as they wandered in the wilderness is still the same God we serve today.  The same God that walked in the fire with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and allowed them to come back without even a hair singed still lives today.  The same God who took the widow’s two mites and blessed them still reigns.  And the same God who came down on this earth in human form is alive and wants to be Lord of your life.  

So get desperate for Him.  Be hungry for His word and His promises. Wait with expectation that He will do something in you.  Something only He can do.   


It’s okay that you’re not okay today friend.  Maybe tomorrow you will be okay. Really okay, not the fake okay. And maybe it's next week. Next month. A year from now. At some point you will be okay again.  


Until then, know that in the stillness of waiting, God is there with you. He will not give up on you and He will most certainly not fail you. You can let go.  You don't have to pretend with Him.  He's got you and He's not letting go.  





Need a little extra encouragement today?  Try this friend. 

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How God Redeemed Our Birth Story

"Erupt with thanks to the Eternal, for He is good

and His loyal love lasts forever.

Let all those redeemed by the Eternal—

those rescued from times of deep trouble—join in giving thanks."

Psalm 107: 1-2 (VOICE)

This past weekend my youngest daughter Georgia turned two years old. The time has gone by quicker than I ever imagined it would. It’s hard to believe it’s been over two years since we spent those days in the hospital waiting for her to come. Days filled with lots of excitement, nervousness, and anticipation at what life with two little ones would be like.


You see, both of my girls are miracle babies. Just in very different ways. Before you read any further, I would encourage you to start here. Years ago I wrote about Brooke’s birth story and it will help you better understand the miracle of how God redeemed our birth story the second time around.


My pregnancy with Brooke was high-risk. I developed Cholestasis of Pregnancy, or ICP, during my second trimester. ICP is a liver disorder that effects the flow of bile and cells in the liver. It is extremely dangerous because if not diagnosed, there is an increased chance of still birth. There is no cure (besides delivery) but it can be managed with medication. The main symptom of ICP is moderate to severe itching. I spent hours a day clawing at my hands and feet. To sum up, it was not fun. You can read more about my experience with ICP in Brooke’s birth story and I will include some resource links at the bottom of this post.


I say all that to say, this is where God’s redeeming work began. He redeemed our birth story long before we ever set foot in a hospital. During my pregnancy with Georgia, God healed my body of ICP. Let me explain. You see, there was no medical reason that I should not have gotten it again. Statistics show that with each pregnancy, a mother’s chances of developing ICP only increases if she’s had it in a previous pregnancy. Let's just say the odds weren’t in my favor.


Every few weeks I would have my doctor test my blood work levels. I waited in fear for the itching to begin. I waited for the sleepless nights of clawing at my legs and arms. I waited to feel the fear of a high risk delivery again. I waited and waited.


I knew I couldn’t hold onto the fear anymore, so one night during my second trimester, I prayed fervently over Georgia in the name of Jesus for healing. I prayed that He would not let my body go through what it had before. I prayed that there would be no trace of ICP during this pregnancy. Tears fell as I released my body to Him. To this day it’s still one of the most powerful prayers I’ve ever prayed. A prayer prayed out of desperation and release.


I felt God’s peace flood over my entire body. I knew I didn’t need to worry about ICP anymore. God was in control and He had healed my body. The itching never came. My blood work came back at normal levels every time. No ICP. No early delivery. No high risk pregnancy.

Already God had redeemed our story, but He was just getting started.

The time had finally come for us to check into the hospital to have Georgia. As we checked in, the nurse led us to the corner room just on the other side of the nurse’s desk. I paused as she motioned for us to come around the corner and get settled in. Please, no. Not that room. I thought.


For it was in that room where my first baby had to fight for her life. It’s in that room where I saw panic come across Brian’s eyes as he watched his wife and baby girl face obstacle after obstacle. Nothing in his control and nothing in mine.



It was in that very room where my daughter came into this world not breathing. That room. That room was not a source of joy for me. I remember emotional pain, worry, despair, hopelessness, and an exhaustion I’ve never felt since.


No, God. Don’t put us in that room. You know the trauma and awful memories this room holds.


As the nurse handed me a dull blue hospital gown I felt God’s presence. Do you know my power child? I’ve got you. Do not worry.


As the day progressed, several of the same issues we had with Brooke’s labor and delivery happened again. They had trouble locating Georgia’s heartbeat and I spent much of my labor time moving from position to position trying to get a heartbeat read. I was terrified that we were going to repeat the same birth experience.


But God.


God knew that my heart’s desire was to have a positive birthing experience with Georgia. He knew everything that happened with Brooke because He was there through it all. He was there as the team of doctors and nurses rushed around her to keep her alive. He was there in the moments afterward when my body was utterly give out from exhaustion. He was there on the empty hallway when my husband broke down sobbing on my father in law’s shoulder as we waited for doctors to confirm whether or not Brooke would need to be air lifted to a children’s hospital.


God was there. He never left us. His healing power saved my first daughter and I believed He would do it again.


God absolutely redeemed our birth story. After she was born, she went right up on my chest, perfectly healthy. Perfectly redeemed. There was no respiratory team or anyone that took her from me. God gifted us the moment I had wanted for a long time. Just me, Brian, and our new healthy (and pink!) baby girl. Georgia Hope. Yes, the middle name was very intentional.


We were able to take our time with her, take in every one of her features. When Brooke was born, I had no idea what she looked like until I saw her hours later in the NICU. But not this time. God showed us His power and His love by giving us the sweetest moments after Georgia’s birth.


We spent a few days in the hospital, not because of Georgia, but because of me. Because I had hemorrhaged a few weeks after Brooke’s birth, doctors kept a close check on me throughout our stay. I was ready to leave the hospital but also a little nervous at the thought of what the next few weeks might bring. What if they missed something and I hemorrhaged again? What if this time was worse than the last?

But I knew God was with us and this was an experience He was going to redeem to the end. Weeks went by and I never hemorrhaged. Glory to God.


I spent some time thinking about why it’s taken me so long to write this story out. I think in part, it’s very difficult for me to go back and relive the trauma of Brooke’s birth story. I've spared a lot of the details here, but the experience was a difficult one. God healed her, Praise Jesus, but the experience left an emotional scar that is hard for this mama to open back up. But I needed to open it up, because opening it up allows me to look at both my girls and realize that they are both miracles.


Writing this story of redemption has been very healing for me. I am so very thankful for all of God’s mercies and His protection over us. We had a wonderful team of doctors and nurses during both experiences and I praise God that with each birth, He put the people in place that I needed most to be there.


Nurses that prayed over me and my babies, a doctor who took me seriously when I had concerns that my ICP was back a second time. He obliged me with each blood test I requested, even though the results came back negative each time. Nurses who were encouraging and patient and comforting as I shared with them the experience of the first go round and how I was scared out of my mind we would repeat the process. None of it an accident. Each person placed there so God could continue out His redeeming work. I find it simply amazing that God would pay that much attention to the little details.

Georgia’s birth healed me of the trauma I had experienced during Brooke’s birth. God took every fear that had remained there since Brooke’s birth and delivered more over.

And that fighter baby, the girl who spent time hooked up to wires and machines that helped her breathe the first hours of her life, she’s four now. She runs and plays and throws the most Oscar worthy tantrums I’ve ever seen. When I look at her now, it’s hard to believe where she started. But that is the power of our God. She is a walking miracle and testimony of God’s faithfulness and love to us.


And my Georgia Hope never ceases to amaze me. From the moment we found out we were expecting her, God’s hand has been all over that child. Through her, He has given us such immense joy. He has repeatedly shown us His power through her.

Credit: Mallory Kate Photography 

Let me tell you something friend, God is still a God who redeems. You need to know that. Whether it’s a birth story, a marriage, a prodigal child or a diagnosis that seems hopeless. He is still the God who redeems.

"This is why I keep telling you not to worry about anything in life—about what you’ll eat, about how you’ll clothe your body. Life is more than food, and the body is more than fancy clothes. Think about those crows flying over there: do they plant and harvest crops? Do they own silos or barns? Look at them fly. It looks like God is taking pretty good care of them, doesn’t it? Remember that you are more precious to God than birds! "

Luke 12:22-24 (VOICE)

Friend, if you think God has forgotten you or you’re worried about a situation, find comfort in these words from His Son. “Remember that you are more precious to God than birds.” God is still working. Trust in His power. Trust in His timing. Trust in His faithfulness.



My Prayer

God, first and foremost, I love you.  Thank you for my miracle babies and the fact that you are a God who is in control of every situation and every single thing.  You are magnificent in your ways.  I pray that each person that reads this story of redemption knows that you have the power to do the same thing in their life.  I pray my words have pointed others to you, because you are the only reason this has all happened.  God, you transform us.  You give us the desires of our hearts and want us to testify to your goodness.  I want to do that today and all of my days.  I want to testify to your faithfulness and the wondrous redeeming work you do in all of us who call you Father.   In Jesus name, Amen.  

ICP Resources:

What is ICP?


Signs & Symptoms


ICP Care Facebook Page

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Let's Stop Playing it Safe

For most of my life I’ve played it pretty safe.  I’m usually the girl on the sidelines watching others make brave, bold moves.  You see, I’m not a natural risk-taker.  I’m a risk-weigher, if there is such a thing.  In every situation I weigh the risks and possible outcomes for each decision.  Sounds exciting right?  Yeah, not so much. 

I’ve watched friends journey to the other side of the world as missionaries to share Jesus with those who don’t know Him.  I’ve watched women be unafraid to pursue their God-given callings.  I’ve seen friends write books and launch new ministries and love on people that others pass by on a daily basis. Through all of it I find myself wishing I could be as brave as they are.

Seeing all of this inspires a bravery I desire, but I’m not sure I have in me.  But I desperately want it.  I want to bravely love Him.  I want to say yes when He calls me to the scary waters.  I want to radiate freedom because that’s what He’s given me through His Son.  I want to walk in His Truth so the enemy has no claim over me, because he has already been defeated. I long to be brave and risk it all for God like others seem to do, but something about full surrender to Him just makes it all too scary.

Over the last year I’ve been pursuing a deeper heart change.  The more I get closer to God, the more I realize that I’ve been playing it safe for too long.  Safe with opportunities.  Safe with relationships and really loving others.  Safe with Him. 

Frankly, I want to stop playing it so safe.  I want to push the boundaries and feel my knees knocking in the way they do when you know something is scary but also worthwhile.  I want to stop being so afraid that I will take a misstep, because I know, like we all do, that sometimes missteps are necessary to get to the more honest place with Him and the bigger calling inside of us. 

I’ve had to step back and ask myself a really hard question. Do I really want God?  I know that I need God.  It’s not a question of need.  It’s a question of want and desire. 

Do I really want God?  Do I want Him enough to be called out of my comfort zone? To go outside of the church walls and love on broken people? 

Am I willing to give up things for Him?  Things that make me happy, things that make my life easier? 

Am I willing to surrender fully to Him?  To His will?  To His calling on my life?  To release the people that I hold the closet to my heart?

Do I really want God enough to follow Him into places I would not normally go? 

Am I living a life that wants God?  Do I want Him over comfort? Over the approval of others?  Over material things and worldly success?

The honest answer to that is no.  I’m not so sure I’ve been wanting Him badly enough to feel uncomfortable.  I don’t think I’ve been desiring Him enough to strap on my boots and really do scary Kingdom work for Him.  To love people that are different than me.  To trust Him in a fearless way.   I think I’ve been living a very comfortable Christian life.  I obey God as much as I want to, but I don’t ever fully surrender myself to Him. 

I recently immersed myself in Acts 28:30-31. 

“For two whole years Paul stayed there in his own rented house and welcomed all who came to see him.  He proclaimed the kingdom of God and taught about the Lord Jesus Christ—with all boldness and without hindrance!”

Those last few words about Paul have not left me since I read them.  With all boldness and without hindrance.  Paul taught about Jesus with boldness and proclamation.  He didn’t care what others thought about him. He didn’t care about his comfort or likeability. He cared most about God.  I could take a note or two from this. 

Really what I admire most about Paul is his brazenness for the Gospel.  He didn’t hold back when it came to church conduct or how we should treat one another as believers.  And he most certainly never held back from proclaiming what Jesus had done for him once his life had been changed by Him.

Moment of truth?  I know what it is that holds me back from being more like Paul.  The truth is I’m more afraid of how God will use me if I’m truly set free than if I were too stay comfortable.

I say I want this unhindered life, but I don’t really want to work for it.  I don’t really want to walk it out in faith.  Because what if living a life unhindered and desiring Him above anything else meant giving up a job I love, or relationships, leaving church roles, or moving?

What if all that seems scary because the life God calls us to live as His children is one of complete and utter trust and surrender to Him, and that is something that deep down, we lack. We doubt if God will really come through on His end so we hold tight to the things we need most to let go of.  Relationships. Dreams. Jobs. Our marriages and children.

And we tell ourselves that we’re just being protective. We want God to use us, but not enough to feel uncomfortable or sad or scared.  We want Him to use us just enough to feel like we’re doing our part, but we don’t ever let Him really do His.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live with a Plan B.  I want to know that at the end of my days, I’ve given Him everything I could possibly give Him.  I want to know I ran the race with every ounce of courage and determination that I could.  (Hebrews 12:1)  And yes, that will mean giving up things for Him and surrendering it all and yes, that scares me. 

But I don’t want to do it safe.  I don’t want to hinder myself when it comes to God.

And I get the feeling that deep down, you don’t want to do it safe either.  So why don’t we both just go for it?  You jump, I jump.  If we fall, we fall.  But we won’t fail.  The only way we fail is to keep playing it safe, keep daydreaming of a life unhindered but never getting up our nerve to say “Yes God, use me.”

God gives us free will to choose and ultimately the choice is ours friend. Do we want safe?  Do we want comfortable?  Or do we want God?

I confess, I used to judge the rich young ruler in Matthew 19.  I used to read his story and get so frustrated with him. I would sit there and think my gosh man, Jesus is right in front of you!  How could you not follow Him?  Why couldn’t you just leave it all behind?  Don’t you see the personal invitation you’re getting?

I used to judge him until one day I realized that I was just like him.  Afraid to give it all up and terrified to have to be uncomfortable for Jesus. Scared that He’ll ask me to do something that defies all logic.  Fearful of what others may think. Hesitant to think of what a life lived fully for Him really looks like.

Because it doesn’t look like comfortability friends.  It doesn’t look like logic or approval from others. It means we don’t always know what’s next.  We don’t have the control we often crave. It looks like a life of being unsettled in all the very best ways because when He moves, He moves in mighty ways.

Jesus extended a personal invitation to the young ruler.  His command was simple. In verse 21 He says,

“If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

“Come, follow me.”  I have the same personal invitation as the rich young ruler.  You do too friend. 

He can’t change his decision now but we can change ours.  We can say yes to the invitation of following Him, no matter the cost and change our course for eternity. The rich young ruler played it safe.  He didn’t want to give up his wealth (vs.22) or his comfort.  He didn’t want to give up the life he was living.  And man, did he miss out.

I don’t want us to miss the same invitation friends.  Let’s stop playing it so safe and let’s start being brave enough to let Him have every last ounce of us.  Let’s get off the sidelines of our faith and want God more than we ever have before.

What do you say?

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An Open Invitation to Release

I sit with my head cupped in my hands on the back row of the balcony overlooking the seats below.  My eyes scan the crowd of women with their hands lifted high in praise and hope.  Some of them are desperate to know you.  Some of them are struggling to hear your voice, to feel you.  But you are there with them. 

Some women lend their arms as encouragement as they physically pour themselves over the others.  These women know you well.  They have seen your glory.  They have seen your love drip down from the cross onto them and they know the importance of this moment.  They encourage the others to embrace your love.

This is the moment for many, when they will finally know you.  When they will acknowledge that all of them needs every bit of you.  And I’m supposed to have my head bowed and my eyes closed.  Because this moment, it’s so very intimate and personal. 

And yet I watch. I cannot tear my eyes away.

I watch them unhinge their chains.  I watch them cry out in release.  I watch them accept their new identity.  They are Yours. They are made new.

The speaker continues the invitation by inviting those of us who already know you to release the things that hold us back from wanting you more.  I try to hear your voice over the piano that’s playing softly, yet the sound magnifies on the strings of my heart.  She invites us again to let go.  To release.  To give the thing over that we hold so closely.  The thing we put above you.

I know what the thing is.  You know it well too.  Women all around me are releasing their chains to you, and yet I sit frozen.  I sit chained to my seat, chained to my sin.  Chained to my past.  Chained to the things I know keep me from chasing you harder.

I do not feel you and yet I know you are there.  I cannot hear you but I feel you press in on my heart.  I think I feel you telling me to wait.  That this isn’t the place you want to meet me at.  You want me to let the thing go, but it’s not the time. And so I don’t.  I cling to it tightly because I know that soon you will ask me to do the hard thing and let you have it. 

And so for these last few moments I hold onto it.  I hide it in my heart.  I know it is coming.  I know that soon you will call me to the scary waters, and it’s not a place I want to go willingly.

Later I am at home.  It is quiet.  It is peaceful.  There are no fancy stage lights and no decorations.  Just you. 

I check on the girls one last time before grabbing my bible and meeting with you on the couch.  At first I feel silly.  I don’t know where to start and I think I have heard you wrong.  I open up my bible to the psalms because that’s where I always go if I don’t know where to go.  The scripture I read doesn’t make sense to me at first.  It is all about David’s sin and confession and the pledge for you to take it away from him. 

He has slept with Bathsheba.  He has killed Uriah.  He is in a bad desperate place.  And I wonder what I’m supposed to do with this.  This isn’t right I think.  This was nothing like the moment at the conference earlier. 

But you keep at me.  You tell me that I’m missing it.  To dig deeper. 

And so I do.  I don’t know what I’m doing or what you’re trying to tell me but I know it’s something.  Something big.

I start talking to you out loud.  I hardly ever do this.  I try to be quiet because I don’t want to wake the girls up.  But the pain of the thing I can’t seem to escape and your quiet mercy has tears pouring down my face and me lifting up your name in praise. 

I know that it’s the time.  Here is where you wanted to meet me.  In the quiet.  In the dark place.  In the honest place.  No music.  No pressure.  No one else but you and me.

And you direct me to a scripture that absolutely blows my mind.  I have read it many times before but tonight I notice something different.  Something brand new.  I feel you there.  Revealing to me that it’s time to start trusting you more.  Time to start living the life you’ve called me to live. 

Suddenly I put two and two together.  You show me through your word that I cannot keep pushing past you and going before you.  You reveal to me that I need to let go of the thing in order for you to heal me and in return help heal others. 

I understand.  My breath can hardly catch up with the tears as I confess to you that I have no idea what I’m doing.  I want this thing, this chain taken from me, so I can move forward and do the scary kingdom stuff with you. 

I speak life to the thing you are showing me and I ask if I’m right.  Is this what you’re telling me?  Is this the healing that needs to happen first?  I don’t hear verbal confirmation.  I hear the silence and the distant buzzing of the baby monitor. 

But I am confident I have heard you correctly.  That now, after the acknowledgement comes the hard work, the healing work.  And you show me that this is how you do things.  You take ordinary people and reveal the hard places in our hearts, the things that keep us from you, that hold us back from a life unhindered in you and you make them beautiful. 

This is scary.  This is exciting.  I feel relief.  I feel like you’ve let me in on a secret.  But it’s not a secret. It is your love and how you reveal yourself to us time after time.  I immerse myself in what you have revealed to me.  I ask you to confirm it.  So I am sure.  I tell you that if this is not from you to close the door.  Don’t let me think about it anymore. 

But if it is from you, if this is really the answer to what I’ve been asking you for, I ask you to not let me shake it.  I tell you not to let up on me about it.  I hear no audible voice or strong confirmation.  I only feel your presence telling me that you will hold up your end.  You will let me know.  And for the first time in a long time, I feel absolute peace.  I feel complete trust in you. 

I close my bible and go to wash my tear-stained cheeks.  I take a deep breath.  Breathing in every last ounce of you in this moment.  God you are good.  You are so very good.  I want more of these of these honest, raw moments.  The invitation is open.  It is mine.  I am ready. 

1

The Biggest Lesson I’ve Learned in 7 Years of Marriage

I looked at the clock.  Seven o’clock on the dot.  It was time to start.  Our wedding director motioned for my bridal party to come and I stayed behind for just a few moments with my dad. 

It was time.           

                 

I had waited three and a half years for this moment.  This moment.  It would be the moment we looked back on in years to come as one of the most precious, sweetest moments of our lives.  Any second now and the doors would open, revealing us to one another for the first time as bride and groom. 

 

It was dream-like.  Not the wedding itself, though that was beautiful too. But the moments when we caught one another’s eyes and knew that from that evening on, we were different.  We were man and wife.  Joined together as one.  Now our own family unit. 

I remember a lot of tears during our ceremony.  Not from me (I had cried the hour leading up to the ceremony), but from Brian.  I had those beautiful sweet bride tears. You know, the ones that casually sneak down your check during a prayer.  But my guy?  Well, he was…feeling some things, we’ll say that.  During one of the prayers, I handed my tear stained handkerchief to him, the one my grandmother gave me to carry on our special day, and snuck it to him so no one would see him wiping his eyes. It was a moment I will never forget because it was just between the two of us.  Sweet.  Secret.  Loving.

That was seven years ago this week.  It seems like it was yesterday when I donned that white dress with lace and traces of pearls and he wore that silky black suit and cream vest.  We were mere youngins when we got married.  I was 22, he was 24.  We knew everything and nothing all at the same time.  

What we thought we knew when we got married and what we actually learned after being married were worlds apart.  Sacrifice looks a lot different to me now.  The tests and trials that love can endure look stronger to me now.  Who God is and what His plans are for marriage are more clear to me now than they were that day I walked down that aisle covered in red rose petals.

I’ve learned a lot of hard lessons in the seven years we’ve been married.  But there is one lesson that I come back to over and over again.  It’s helped me in times of trouble and brokenness.  It’s helped me to see my husband not only as the man I love, but as God’s son.  It is a lesson I want to pass on to my daughters in future years when they take on this holy covenant of marriage.

Remember who the real enemy is.

I know.  It's not some romantic idea is it?  But it's a cold hard truth I have needed to remember time and time again.  Remember who the real enemy is.  And friend, the real enemy is not your spouse.  It’s not your children.  It’s not the bills piled up on the counter.  It’s not even the person you see in the mirror every day, wishing things were different.  The real enemy is Satan and he’s simply waiting for his invitation to wreak havoc on your household.

You see, God loves marriage.  God loves sex and intimacy. He loves forgiveness and acceptance. He loves praise and support.  He created all those things!  (Genesis 2) But often times those are the hardest things to find in a marriage.  I find myself wondering why marriage in itself can be so difficult at times.  Why can’t it just be easy?  It’s because we try to connect two worlds together that were never supposed to equal to one another. 

God’s original design of marriage and the world’s view of marriage were never designed to be the same.  But often we try to make them the same.  And when we try to take something God designed and fit into a box marked with worldly standards, guess who shows up?  Satan.  The real enemy.

^“The thief approaches with malicious intent, looking to steal, slaughter, and destroy; I came to give life with joy and abundance.”

John 10:10 (THE VOICE)

When there is discourse in a household who serves the Lord?  Satan eats it up.

When there is resentment that builds and issues that go unresolved?  Satan revels in it.

When a wife withholds her love from her husband because he didn’t do something the way she asked him to?  Satan rejoices.

When a spouse uses pornography as a means for intimacy instead of their partner?  Satan just devours it. 

When husbands and wives undermine one another’s parenting and fights ensue in front of children?  Satan celebrates.

Oh how he loves it.  If he can make his way into your home, into the strongholds of your marriage, he can and will create a life of chaos, bitterness, and utter destruction. 

And if you don’t think you are on his radar, sweet friend, let me speak this truth to you today.   You absolutely are.  Satan will get you wherever he can get you.  Your finances.  Your sex life.  Your past.  Your children.  Your family relationships.  Your secret sin.  Your career.  Your unfulfilled dreams.  Your calling. 

There is no area off limits to him and if he sees a way in, he’ll surely take it. 

A godly marriage full of love, spiritual discernment and forgiveness, is a legitimate threat to the enemy. 

If you think I’m writing this from a place of expertise or some moral high horse, let me tell you, I’m not.  I’m writing from a place of experience.  A place of sadness.  A place of hope. A place of realization that we too had let Satan into our home and slowly but steadily, it was destroying us. 

We were blissfully unaware of the small attacks from him.  The attacks that seemed like nothing, but spiraled into everything.  And now, we’re fighting back.  Remember who your real enemy is. 

It is not your spouse.  Oh, it may look that way at times.  It may masquerade as money issues, parenting woes or intimacy struggles.  Please understand, these things are serious and often times we do need help in these areas from counselors, pastors and other professionals.  But in themselves, they are not the enemy.  It goes so much deeper than that.  It is the source in which they come from that we need to be made aware of.  We are in a battle and we must fight for our marriages.

{Let me also add here, I’m not saying if abuse is present in a marriage you should stay (or some other heavy issues I’ve not listed).  Not at all.  This post isn't about reasons to stay in a marriage or reasons not too.}

I recently watched a message from Lisa Bevere in which she stated her biggest regret in life was that she didn’t love her husband more fearlessly.  A lot of their marriage, though she loved him deeply, she had kept him at a safe distance from her heart.  Always afraid that being hurt and abandoned was just around the corner.  She said looking back she wished she would have been braver in loving him.  She would have encouraged him more, given more of herself emotionally to him, and not been so afraid to truly love him and be loved in return.  I don’t want to have the same regret.  Do you?

Listen, marriage is hard.  Some days it’s really hard.  Some days it’s desperately hard.  And some days you wonder how you ever lived a day without one another.  It’s beautiful.  It’s messy.  It forces us to confront the best and worst parts of ourselves. 

It is two sinners that have vowed to take on one another’s brokenness.  To take on sickness and financial stress. To take on past hurts and family trials.  To accept each other’s faults.  To celebrate each other’s victories, both big and small. 

It is entrusting the darkest parts of yourself to someone else.  It is believing every day that change can happen.  That God works in marriages because He believes in them so much.  I believe God designed marriage and gave it to us as one of the greatest means to glorify Him. 

Remember who the real enemy is, but also remember who The Victor is.  Satan sets out to destroy marriages while God works to redeem them.  Satan wants to divide where God brings together.  Satan enforces pride and bitterness.  God offers grace and forgiveness. 

When you’re on the brink of destruction and you think you can’t fight one more day.  That you can’t even look at your spouse without feeling hurt or bitterness or anger.  I want you to dig your heels in the sand as deep as you can and I want you to suit up and fight.  Fight the real enemy.  Fight for redemption.  Fight for forgiveness.  Fight for love to win.  

2

To the One Running from God

I can’t get you off my mind.

I’ve tried for weeks to push this message out of my heart and file it under things to write on in the future.  I’ve put off writing these words for many reasons.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear you won’t hear my heart and won’t understand where I’m coming from.  I wanted to leave this alone.  Truly I did.

But it doesn’t always work that way.  There are some words, some messages that won’t leave me alone and friend, this is one of them.  I can’t promise that these words won’t stir up something inside of you, I actually hope they do.  Maybe these words aren’t meant for you at all.  Maybe they are meant for someone you hold close to your heart.  A family member.  A beloved friend.  A co-worker.  

Friend, please hear me when I say, these words of mine come from love. Such a deep love for you.  There is no judgement.  No malice.  No ill intentions.  I need you to know that so when you move down the page of my heart on this screen, you know that my words come from me wanting you to know you are cherished.  Loved.  Worthy.  Magnificent.  So with that, I need to tell you something hard but something ever so important.

Stop running from God. 

I’m sure it feels like life is just a giant question mark sometimes.  You struggle to know who you are, where you’re going or what the next season holds for you.  Maybe you find yourself looking in the mirror at yourself and wondering when you changed.  

I know it’s an uphill battle.  Sometimes the pain is just too great and there are too many questions unanswered.  Perhaps you’ve asked some of these questions before:

If God is such a good God, then why did He let this happen?

If God really loves me, why didn’t He save me from this?

If God is real, then why is there so much suffering in the world?

If God…

If God…

If God…

Those are difficult, valid questions.  Questions I won’t pretend to know the answer to.  But I do know that God uses our trials and struggles to draw us closer to Him.  I know that if He brings us to it, He will more than bring us through it.  In this way, we learn our desperate need for Him, for a Savior.

Maybe it’s not questions that plague your mind.  Maybe it’s simply that sin feels better than repentance and change.  Satan is so good at making us a slave to our sins and the things of this world draw us in like moths to a flame.  They fulfill us, for a short time.  They feel good.  They give us what we want, what we desire.  Whatever it is- drinking, sex, partying, gossip, lying, greed.  But none of it compares to Jesus. 

 

Friend, I've been there. I've turned my heart away from Him before.  It was easier to go through the motions of life and pretend my sin didn’t exist.  To look for value and acceptance from others instead of letting Him blow my heart wide open with His truth.  It was easier to pretend that He was some distant God in the sky more than a personal Savior.  It was easier to push the pain down than to allow Him to do the work He needed to and heal me.

God is a fierce pursuer of our hearts and He doesn’t stop pursuing His children.  “For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” Deuteronomy 4:24 (NIV).  I’m so glad He never stops pursuing us.  Aren’t you?

I need you to know this.  You are never too far gone for God to reach you.  To see you.  To work in your life.  To love you.  Never.  God’s love is never-ending, never ceasing.  You see it doesn't matter what you've done or where you've been. It matters that you return and that His arms are wide open ready to receive you.

What if, just for a brief moment, you stopped and sat still with Him.  You let your shoulders relax and your breath slow.  You focused your mind simply on Him, on His peace.  There is no agenda there, from you or from Him.  There is simply stillness.  I think in those still, quiet moments God would whisper to your heart, come home child.

I love you.

I miss you.

I cherish you.

Nothing you do will stop me from loving you.

Do you believe that?  Do you know how much He loves you?  How much you matter to Him?

You matter.  Your life matters.  And if it sounds like I’m being overly dramatic and too serious, I’m okay with that.  That’s how serious I take this.  Because I want you to know just that badly how much God wants you to stop running from Him.

It’s okay that you messed up.  It’s okay that you don’t have it all together.  Welcome to the club!  We’re all broken and in need of a Savior.  You think you’re too messed up for Him to use?  Look at the people in the Bible-Noah, Moses, David, Rahab, Mary Magdalene, and Paul just to name a few.  They messed up, but God used them in mighty ways.  Ways that brought Him glory; that fulfilled His promises and purposes.

If you need healing, who better to heal you than Jesus?

You need acceptance?  Who better to accept you than The One who was rejected by man.

You need love?  You’ll never find anyone who will love you more.  I guarantee it.

You want to know there’s something beyond the life you’re living?  That God has a plan for you?  You bet.  1,000% He does. (Jeremiah 29:11)

But you have to stop running friend.  You have to let go of the things that have held you captive and release them to God.  There is nothing too dirty, too painful or too burdensome that God can't handle or that you cannot be forgiven and redeemed from. 

What if today, you stopped running, stopped pursuing other things and gave yourself back to Him? 

You are never too far gone for God.  You can always come home.  Will you come?

Lord Jesus,

I don’t know why we run from you.  I don’t know why we think our ways are better than yours. Forgive us for turning away when what our hearts need most is You.  You give us this beautiful parable in Luke 15.  A story of the prodigal son returning home.  He thinks he will be met by his father with haste and anger, yet he is welcomed with open arms, a celebration of return.  You give us this beautiful example of your love for us in this story.  Thank you for your unending patience and grace with us.  Thank you for open arms and unending love.  You are the only thing that can truly fulfill us.  Draw us closer to you and help us to run fast to you.  Fast to your everlasting arms. 

In Your Name, Amen. 

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