The Biggest Lesson I’ve Learned in 7 Years of Marriage

I looked at the clock.  Seven o’clock on the dot.  It was time to start.  Our wedding director motioned for my bridal party to come and I stayed behind for just a few moments with my dad. 

It was time.           

                 

I had waited three and a half years for this moment.  This moment.  It would be the moment we looked back on in years to come as one of the most precious, sweetest moments of our lives.  Any second now and the doors would open, revealing us to one another for the first time as bride and groom. 

 

It was dream-like.  Not the wedding itself, though that was beautiful too. But the moments when we caught one another’s eyes and knew that from that evening on, we were different.  We were man and wife.  Joined together as one.  Now our own family unit. 

I remember a lot of tears during our ceremony.  Not from me (I had cried the hour leading up to the ceremony), but from Brian.  I had those beautiful sweet bride tears. You know, the ones that casually sneak down your check during a prayer.  But my guy?  Well, he was…feeling some things, we’ll say that.  During one of the prayers, I handed my tear stained handkerchief to him, the one my grandmother gave me to carry on our special day, and snuck it to him so no one would see him wiping his eyes. It was a moment I will never forget because it was just between the two of us.  Sweet.  Secret.  Loving.

That was seven years ago this week.  It seems like it was yesterday when I donned that white dress with lace and traces of pearls and he wore that silky black suit and cream vest.  We were mere youngins when we got married.  I was 22, he was 24.  We knew everything and nothing all at the same time.  

What we thought we knew when we got married and what we actually learned after being married were worlds apart.  Sacrifice looks a lot different to me now.  The tests and trials that love can endure look stronger to me now.  Who God is and what His plans are for marriage are more clear to me now than they were that day I walked down that aisle covered in red rose petals.

I’ve learned a lot of hard lessons in the seven years we’ve been married.  But there is one lesson that I come back to over and over again.  It’s helped me in times of trouble and brokenness.  It’s helped me to see my husband not only as the man I love, but as God’s son.  It is a lesson I want to pass on to my daughters in future years when they take on this holy covenant of marriage.

Remember who the real enemy is.

I know.  It's not some romantic idea is it?  But it's a cold hard truth I have needed to remember time and time again.  Remember who the real enemy is.  And friend, the real enemy is not your spouse.  It’s not your children.  It’s not the bills piled up on the counter.  It’s not even the person you see in the mirror every day, wishing things were different.  The real enemy is Satan and he’s simply waiting for his invitation to wreak havoc on your household.

You see, God loves marriage.  God loves sex and intimacy. He loves forgiveness and acceptance. He loves praise and support.  He created all those things!  (Genesis 2) But often times those are the hardest things to find in a marriage.  I find myself wondering why marriage in itself can be so difficult at times.  Why can’t it just be easy?  It’s because we try to connect two worlds together that were never supposed to equal to one another. 

God’s original design of marriage and the world’s view of marriage were never designed to be the same.  But often we try to make them the same.  And when we try to take something God designed and fit into a box marked with worldly standards, guess who shows up?  Satan.  The real enemy.

^“The thief approaches with malicious intent, looking to steal, slaughter, and destroy; I came to give life with joy and abundance.”

John 10:10 (THE VOICE)

When there is discourse in a household who serves the Lord?  Satan eats it up.

When there is resentment that builds and issues that go unresolved?  Satan revels in it.

When a wife withholds her love from her husband because he didn’t do something the way she asked him to?  Satan rejoices.

When a spouse uses pornography as a means for intimacy instead of their partner?  Satan just devours it. 

When husbands and wives undermine one another’s parenting and fights ensue in front of children?  Satan celebrates.

Oh how he loves it.  If he can make his way into your home, into the strongholds of your marriage, he can and will create a life of chaos, bitterness, and utter destruction. 

And if you don’t think you are on his radar, sweet friend, let me speak this truth to you today.   You absolutely are.  Satan will get you wherever he can get you.  Your finances.  Your sex life.  Your past.  Your children.  Your family relationships.  Your secret sin.  Your career.  Your unfulfilled dreams.  Your calling. 

There is no area off limits to him and if he sees a way in, he’ll surely take it. 

A godly marriage full of love, spiritual discernment and forgiveness, is a legitimate threat to the enemy. 

If you think I’m writing this from a place of expertise or some moral high horse, let me tell you, I’m not.  I’m writing from a place of experience.  A place of sadness.  A place of hope. A place of realization that we too had let Satan into our home and slowly but steadily, it was destroying us. 

We were blissfully unaware of the small attacks from him.  The attacks that seemed like nothing, but spiraled into everything.  And now, we’re fighting back.  Remember who your real enemy is. 

It is not your spouse.  Oh, it may look that way at times.  It may masquerade as money issues, parenting woes or intimacy struggles.  Please understand, these things are serious and often times we do need help in these areas from counselors, pastors and other professionals.  But in themselves, they are not the enemy.  It goes so much deeper than that.  It is the source in which they come from that we need to be made aware of.  We are in a battle and we must fight for our marriages.

{Let me also add here, I’m not saying if abuse is present in a marriage you should stay (or some other heavy issues I’ve not listed).  Not at all.  This post isn't about reasons to stay in a marriage or reasons not too.}

I recently watched a message from Lisa Bevere in which she stated her biggest regret in life was that she didn’t love her husband more fearlessly.  A lot of their marriage, though she loved him deeply, she had kept him at a safe distance from her heart.  Always afraid that being hurt and abandoned was just around the corner.  She said looking back she wished she would have been braver in loving him.  She would have encouraged him more, given more of herself emotionally to him, and not been so afraid to truly love him and be loved in return.  I don’t want to have the same regret.  Do you?

Listen, marriage is hard.  Some days it’s really hard.  Some days it’s desperately hard.  And some days you wonder how you ever lived a day without one another.  It’s beautiful.  It’s messy.  It forces us to confront the best and worst parts of ourselves. 

It is two sinners that have vowed to take on one another’s brokenness.  To take on sickness and financial stress. To take on past hurts and family trials.  To accept each other’s faults.  To celebrate each other’s victories, both big and small. 

It is entrusting the darkest parts of yourself to someone else.  It is believing every day that change can happen.  That God works in marriages because He believes in them so much.  I believe God designed marriage and gave it to us as one of the greatest means to glorify Him. 

Remember who the real enemy is, but also remember who The Victor is.  Satan sets out to destroy marriages while God works to redeem them.  Satan wants to divide where God brings together.  Satan enforces pride and bitterness.  God offers grace and forgiveness. 

When you’re on the brink of destruction and you think you can’t fight one more day.  That you can’t even look at your spouse without feeling hurt or bitterness or anger.  I want you to dig your heels in the sand as deep as you can and I want you to suit up and fight.  Fight the real enemy.  Fight for redemption.  Fight for forgiveness.  Fight for love to win.  

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Maybe there are Seasons for Balance

I’m sure that somewhere out there is a well-proven scientific theory that can discredit all that I’m about to tell you.  But since I’m not a scientist, just a Jesus-loving girl with a message on her heart, I thought I would share this thought with you and let you sit on it awhile.

Maybe there are seasons for balance.

A few weeks ago I ran into the grocery store for a few things.  It was one of those quick runs where you secretly hope you don’t run into anyone you know because you’re in a hurry and you’re not looking, well your best.  You know you’ve been there.

I whizzed my shopping cart through the aisles, checking each item off my list.  That’s when I saw her.  A sweet woman I go to church with.  She was browsing the fruits and vegetables and I was high-tailing it to the spaghetti sauce.  Since we were a good distance from one another, we both just threw our hands up said hello and went on about our lists. 

A few minutes later we quite literally ran into one another on the cereal aisle.  We made small talk for a few moments and then she asked me “So Amanda, how are you doing?”  “You know, doing well,” I said with a smile.  But she could see right through me.

“No really, how are you doing?  You look tired.”  I sort of just shrugged it off and made a joke about littles ones sucking the life out of you.  “I gotta tell you, I don’t know how you do it all,” she said. “Always running.”  I couldn’t keep up the façade any longer.  Right there in the cereal aisle, next to baby formula and Fruity Pebbles, I spilled it all to her.

“I’m actually really struggling lately.  I'm failing at balancing my family life and ministry.  I feel like when I’m not at home with my girls and then I’m failing as a mother because I’m not present.  If I’m home, then I feel like I’m not fulfilling my commitments at church or in ministry because I’m missing something.  I try to find balance between being a mommy and wife, and being present in my ministry commitments.  I'm trying to find it…I just don’t know how.”

And this sweet woman, who overtime has helped shape my own faith, spoke these precious words to me.  “You know, I don’t think there is such thing as balance.  I think we just try to do the best we can in the season we’re in.”

She went on to tell me about how she shared in the same struggle with balancing family and ministry when her son was younger.  She could remember running here and there, serving in multiple roles and still trying her best to serve her family.  It was a hard season but it was good work she was doing.  I could feel the tears start to come up when suddenly, someone else wheeled their buggy onto the aisle.

 “Well thank you for the quick pep talk,” I said.  We said goodbye and went our separate ways. 

But what I didn’t get the chance to tell her that day that I want to tell her now, is that she (you) has no idea the prayer I prayed on my knees the night before. 

Lord, I need you to give me strong examples of women who balance this mommy/ministry life.  I need guidance.  I need wise, Godly advice from a woman who has been through it and has come out on the other side.  Would you put a woman like this in my path?  I need to see someone who has been where I am and can identify with this struggle.  I need someone to see me through this.

I got an answer to my prayer in the place I least expected it.  A wise woman who knew my struggle because she had lived it and come out on the other side.   Her words just kept playing over and over in my mind.  Could it be that my whole theory on balancing it all was all off? 

The short answer?  Yes.  The long answer to that question lies in my encouragement for you today. 

I don’t know what you are having trouble balancing in your life.  I don’t know what gives your heart strings a tug or where the pangs of guilt may strike you most.  But maybe, just maybe you can let these words fall over you today. 

Maybe there is no such thing as balancing it all.  Maybe you just do the best with the season you’re in.

Perhaps there is a season for balance.

For me, the greatest tug comes between family and ministry.  I want so badly to perform well in both arenas but I’m learning that both can’t be priority at the same time.  I’ve also learned that the issue goes much deeper than just feeling guilty or bad, but rather it is evidence of a greater sin in my life.  The expectation I put on myself that I must in fact, do it all and be it all. 

Notice my words.  The expectation I put on myself.

We’re awful about doing this to ourselves aren’t we?  Especially women.  We put the expectation on ourselves to have it all together.  Serve our families.  Run a household.  Volunteer at church and our kids’ school.  Keep our houses cleaned and organized (Whew!  I fail big time at this one! ).  Just insert your responsibilities here.  The list could go on and on. 

And while these are all important things, thinking of them all together can easily overwhelm us.  Therein lies the balance.   I also don’t think God wants us to do and be it all.  If we were designed that way, it would leave little room to desire Him.   

This is an internal battle. But make no mistake. I’m well aware of who my enemy is and who my Victor is.  It’s just that for the longest time I’ve followed worldly expectations and not godly ones.  Perhaps you have too.

Even after writing this I will still struggle with trying to balance it all.  You probably will too.  But let’s not do it alone.  Let’s encourage one another, pray for each other’s hearts, and most importantly share our inner struggles with each other.  None of us have it all together and we do a disservice to one another when we pretend like we do.

Maybe it’s not family and ministry you’re trying to balance today.  What does this look like for you?  Is it work and home life?  Is it chasing dreams?  Is it a particular person or situation you’re trying to balance? 

I get it.  It’s hard.  But maybe like me, you’re putting a worldly expectation on yourself that is impossible to ever meet.  You know, I think Helen {that’s my wise-woman’s name} was right.  I think sometimes all you can do is give your best for the season you’re in. 

 Just give your best today friend.  That’s all you can do. The rest will follow.

What about you?

Do you struggle with finding balance?

What things do you feel a tug between?

If you’re a mama, how do you deal with mommy guilt?

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Sometimes Your Husband Just Needs to Hear He's a Good Man

You’re a good man.

It was just a simple text on a Thursday afternoon.  I wasn’t trying to win him over after an argument nor was I trying to get anything out of him.  I wasn’t feeling especially mushy at the moment.  I hadn’t even had my usual second cup of coffee yet.  I just felt he needed to hear it.

You’re a good man.

 “Thanks.” He wrote back.  “You’re a good woman.”

And that was the end of our exchange.  No grand romantic gesture.  No rose petals or chocolate involved.  Just four little words.  Simple words.  Yet they can have a profound effect on our men.

 

Yes, sometimes your husband just needs to hear that he’s a good man.  Why? Because I can almost guarantee you that at some point throughout his day, failure comes across his mind.

He thinks he’s not doing well enough at his job.  He should be making more money.  He should be working more hours.  He should be higher up in the office than he is.  He thinks he’s failing at providing for his family.  He's a good man because he works hard everyday for our family.  He goes to work when he's sick.  I'm sure he does tasks he doesn't really want to do.  But he does it for us.  

He thinks he’s not a good enough father.  My husband often says “I just can’t do all the things you can do.”  Or he says “You’re better at so and so with them than I am.”   But he doesn’t recognize all the things he does so right with our girls.  He can teach them things that I will never be able to teach them.  They will go to him with problems that I can’t help them with.  It’s my job to help him see that while he will never be a perfect father (as I will never be a perfect mother), he is not even close to being a failure.  He's a good man because he's a wonderful father.  

He thinks he fails at being your husband.  Maybe he didn’t notice that you got your hair cut.  Or he forgot to get something on your shopping list.  Or he shaved his beard off in the bathroom sink just a mere hour after you cleaned it.  Oh my, that gets me every time.  Just maybe, it goes deeper.  Maybe he hurt your feelings, spoke words that stung your heart.  Perhaps you’ve been fighting about the same issues and it seems nothing is changing. 

I know this can be a very gray area in marriage.  But just for a moment, let’s step into our husbands shoes and imagine the weight and the pressure that is put on them every day to measure up.  I bet he feels like he never does anything right.  I bet sometimes he feels you don’t need him or his help, or worse, you don’t want him.  The thought may even cross his mind that you could do better than him. 

I would bet that these thoughts on one occasion have crossed your husband’s mind because they have crossed my husband’s mind too.

I am guilty of getting so busy with the kids and work and church that I often forget that we are in this marriage thing together.  I need to not only tell him I need him and I want his help, but I need to show him. 

I forget that as much as I feel pressure to be a good wife and mother, he has pressure on him to measure up as well.

Maybe it’s the little things he feels he’s failing at; remembering special dates or complimenting you on your hair that he thinks looks the same as when you left the house earlier.  It could be he feels like he’s failing at the bigger things within your marriage.  He’s trying his best, but his best doesn’t feel good enough. 

And sometimes, he needs to hear he’s a good man

 because he thinks he’s a failure in God’s eyes.

This is the one that makes me fall to my knees in prayer for my husband more than any of the others.  I married a sinner.  He married one too.  That’s a whole bunch of brokenness and imperfect coming together.

 I often need to be reminded that although he is my husband, He is God's son first. 

My husband needs encouragement from me to pursue God's calling on his life.  He needs to know that I am with him and more importantly I am for him.  When he has days where he feels like he's failed in God's eyes, I need to remind him of a greater love than the love we have between us.  The greater love of Jesus giving his life on the cross for us.  He is not a failure in God's eyes, he is loved by The One, the Creator, the Almighty.  

We so easily forget all that when the world is screaming at us that we're not good enough.  It's easy for our men to forget the one simple truth that they are loved by us and loved by God unconditionally.  As wives, me must be louder than the voices of the world that are telling our men that they're not good men.  

Ladies, if you have a good man, tell him!

He needs to hear that you’re in this with him.

He needs to hear that you don’t expect him to have it altogether all the time.

He needs a safe place to express his stress, his burdens.

You're a good man.

Four words that can have a profound impact on your man. Sometimes your husband just needs to hear that he's a good man because he is one.  A good man.  A great man.  A man loved by God.  A man loved by his wife.  

Will you encourage him with these words today?  Maybe you're already doing a good job of encouraging your husband, how has your relationship changed?  What are other ways we can encourage our husbands in their various roles (husband, father, son, employee, etc.)?   

 

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Finding Your Joy in Motherhood

I realize my post title today may have caused you to pause for a moment.  Finding your joy?  Isn’t motherhood always joyful?

Maybe for you it is.  Me?  I must admit that there are often times I have trouble finding my joy in motherhood.

I know what you’re probably thinking.  How can she say that? 

I know.  I hear myself read the words aloud and I would probably be having the same thoughts you may be having about me right now.  It sounds terrible.  But in this current season of mommyhood, it’s honest.  So today, if you're a mama who is struggling to find her joy in motherhood...this one is for you sister.  

Let me start by saying, I absolutely find joy in my children.  I love them more than my own life and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in this world.  But one night I was standing over a sink full of bottles that needed to be washed in a kitchen that looked like a tornado had come through it, and I realized that I was having some serious trouble finding my joy in motherhood.

You see, becoming a mother utterly rocked my world.  I was no longer responsible just for myself, but now held all responsibility for this tiny, precious child.  I was now a co decision-maker for someone else's life and I took the weight of barring that responsibility heavily.  

My husband and fellow co-decision maker,  is wonderful and we absolutely are a team {playing man on man defense most days}.  But I began to hold resentment towards him and the fact that in my mind, I was carrying the weight.  I was the one responsible for making sure everyone got to where they needed to go, the house was clean (I mean er, picked up), dinner was on the table, stuff for school was packed, appointments made, etc.   Maybe it was the fact that I had recently had baby girl #2 (hello postpartum hormones!), but all of the sudden I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. 

I began to feel weighed down with the responsibility of being a mama to these two precious girls.  

It wasn’t them.  It wasn’t even my husband.  It was me.  It was my attitude towards the day to day, running a household, trying my hardest to remember everything and hold the fort down thing that got to me.  To put it simply, I was overwhelmed with the responsibility that being a mother often brings. To be looked at as someone's everything proved to be a bit more than I could handle.    

Washing bottles.  Doing the laundry.  Picking up toys night after night.  Cleaning the house.  Keeping schedules in order.  Packing lunches.  I mean, they aren’t things that exactly rev my soul up, ya know?

I would rather focus on snuggling with my babies, reading books to my oldest at bedtime, playing dress up, and making silly faces to get my littlest one to laugh out loud.  Oh that sweet sound of a child laughing.    It will never grow old to me.  You know, I just want the sweet moments of motherhood.  The moments that cause your heart to bust with joy and contentment. The moments they make movies about on the Hallmark Channel. 

The responsibility for running the day to day duties, well, I could easily give those up to someone more qualified.  

Back to the night where I stood over that sink full of bottles that needed to be washed, in the kitchen that looked like a tornado had hit it, I was convicted that it was my attitude that needed to be changed. 

I needed a heart of servanthood.

Credit: Catt Liu

  

Heck, more than my heart, I needed my mind to shift towards servanthood.  These tasks may be time consuming or even aggravating to do at times, but I can teach my girls what service looks like, what the love of Jesus looks like, if I change my heart and do these things with a joyful attitude.

In order to change my heart from groaning to servanthood, I needed strong help from the Holy Spirit. 

And so I prayed. 

Lord, change my heart. 

Help me to see that this is not just washing bottles, but a way to serve my family.  Help me to be grateful that we have toys for our children to play with when there are others who don’t have this same privilege.  Change my perspective.  Show me how to serve my family through the small everyday tasks.  Convict me when I begin to groan again. 

Changing my heart towards servanthood is a process.  One I need to check myself daily on.  Some days are better than others and I find it easy to find joy in those tasks.  Other days, I can feel my heart is not a servant’s heart and I have to quickly reassess myself and adjust my perspective.

Have I prayed for my family today?  Was I in God’s word today?  Am I just tired? Was there a problem I had earlier in the day that may be affecting the way I’m acting now?  These are just a few of the questions I use to reflect on.  This process may look differently for you. 

Notice, I didn't call this post "Finding THE Joy in Motherhood," but rather "Finding YOUR Joy in Motherhood," because joy may look differently for each of us.  You may be a mama that enjoys doing the day to day activities and excels at being the "go to" for your household.  If you are one of these mamas, let me just say, you rock.   I don't measure up in this arena and you mama's seriously amaze me with your heart for service for your family in this way.

Or maybe you're a mama who is overwhelmed with financial burdens and you're trying your best to make due with what you have to offer.  You want the best for your family and you're carrying around so many burdens; offering so much sacrifice.   Find joy?  You're focusing on the next bills coming in, just trying to make it through the days.  I've been there.  I still am there. God sees you sister.  I see you too.

Maybe your kids drive you insane sometimes.  Maybe they even make you straight crazy.  But you love them.  You adore them.  But this mama thing is hard.  Period.  It's the hardest and best job all rolled into one.  I see you today too.  You're just trying to hold it all together for fear that one more thing may send you over. the. edge.  Oh sister, my heart for you is deep.  

Maybe it isn’t motherhood you need to find your joy in.  Maybe it’s your marriage.  Your job.  Or maybe you need to find your joy in yourself again. 

Whatever you need to find your joy in again, can I encourage you today to approach it with a new perspective?  One of servanthood and grace.  Sometimes joy can be found in the little things like bath time or singing at the top of your lungs in the car with your kids.  Sometimes, it's a bit harder to find if you're weighed down with burdens.   But sister, it's there.  

You know, I have to remind myself sometimes that as aggravating as those bottles are to wash, they will soon be gone because my baby will be grown.  One day, sooner than I hope it to be, those toys will be put away or given to another family because my girls will be too old for toys like Sophia and Elmo.  And I will stand over the sink in my kitchen that will probably still look like a tornado hit it, and I’ll think back to the time when surviving the day to day of raising small children was a hard feat.  One I often failed at. 

  

But hopefully I will  have taught my daughters what a heart to serve others looks like, because they will have learned from their mama who took joy in doing the little everyday things for them; like packing their lunches and doing their laundry.  Oh how I pray I teach them how to love and serve others as He has called us to do!

If you're struggling to find your joy today, let me encourage you.  I know it's hard sometimes.  I also know that I serve a God who has created me to be the mother to my two precious girls. Not a perfect mother.  But the mother that they need.  And that is something I take immense joy in.  

May you find your joy in motherhood today friend. 

May you find it in your marriage, or your job, or yourself.  

May you take delight in the things that we so often overlook.

 May you go forward pursuing a heart of servanthood.  

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Give Me Your Burdens

Today I'm sharing my first video blog or "vlog!"

My kitchen table had become a source of aggravation and burden for me.  It was the last straw.  I became so overwhelmed with everything that I broke down.  Today, let's chat about those things that weigh the most on us...burdens.

So what burdens are you carrying?

How can you give them over to God?

What are you carrying in your "grocery bags" that you need to have help lifting?

Let's chat in the comments!

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