To the One Running from God

I can’t get you off my mind.

I’ve tried for weeks to push this message out of my heart and file it under things to write on in the future.  I’ve put off writing these words for many reasons.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear you won’t hear my heart and won’t understand where I’m coming from.  I wanted to leave this alone.  Truly I did.

But it doesn’t always work that way.  There are some words, some messages that won’t leave me alone and friend, this is one of them.  I can’t promise that these words won’t stir up something inside of you, I actually hope they do.  Maybe these words aren’t meant for you at all.  Maybe they are meant for someone you hold close to your heart.  A family member.  A beloved friend.  A co-worker.  

Friend, please hear me when I say, these words of mine come from love. Such a deep love for you.  There is no judgement.  No malice.  No ill intentions.  I need you to know that so when you move down the page of my heart on this screen, you know that my words come from me wanting you to know you are cherished.  Loved.  Worthy.  Magnificent.  So with that, I need to tell you something hard but something ever so important.

Stop running from God. 

I’m sure it feels like life is just a giant question mark sometimes.  You struggle to know who you are, where you’re going or what the next season holds for you.  Maybe you find yourself looking in the mirror at yourself and wondering when you changed.  

I know it’s an uphill battle.  Sometimes the pain is just too great and there are too many questions unanswered.  Perhaps you’ve asked some of these questions before:

If God is such a good God, then why did He let this happen?

If God really loves me, why didn’t He save me from this?

If God is real, then why is there so much suffering in the world?

If God…

If God…

If God…

Those are difficult, valid questions.  Questions I won’t pretend to know the answer to.  But I do know that God uses our trials and struggles to draw us closer to Him.  I know that if He brings us to it, He will more than bring us through it.  In this way, we learn our desperate need for Him, for a Savior.

Maybe it’s not questions that plague your mind.  Maybe it’s simply that sin feels better than repentance and change.  Satan is so good at making us a slave to our sins and the things of this world draw us in like moths to a flame.  They fulfill us, for a short time.  They feel good.  They give us what we want, what we desire.  Whatever it is- drinking, sex, partying, gossip, lying, greed.  But none of it compares to Jesus. 

 

Friend, I've been there. I've turned my heart away from Him before.  It was easier to go through the motions of life and pretend my sin didn’t exist.  To look for value and acceptance from others instead of letting Him blow my heart wide open with His truth.  It was easier to pretend that He was some distant God in the sky more than a personal Savior.  It was easier to push the pain down than to allow Him to do the work He needed to and heal me.

God is a fierce pursuer of our hearts and He doesn’t stop pursuing His children.  “For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” Deuteronomy 4:24 (NIV).  I’m so glad He never stops pursuing us.  Aren’t you?

I need you to know this.  You are never too far gone for God to reach you.  To see you.  To work in your life.  To love you.  Never.  God’s love is never-ending, never ceasing.  You see it doesn't matter what you've done or where you've been. It matters that you return and that His arms are wide open ready to receive you.

What if, just for a brief moment, you stopped and sat still with Him.  You let your shoulders relax and your breath slow.  You focused your mind simply on Him, on His peace.  There is no agenda there, from you or from Him.  There is simply stillness.  I think in those still, quiet moments God would whisper to your heart, come home child.

I love you.

I miss you.

I cherish you.

Nothing you do will stop me from loving you.

Do you believe that?  Do you know how much He loves you?  How much you matter to Him?

You matter.  Your life matters.  And if it sounds like I’m being overly dramatic and too serious, I’m okay with that.  That’s how serious I take this.  Because I want you to know just that badly how much God wants you to stop running from Him.

It’s okay that you messed up.  It’s okay that you don’t have it all together.  Welcome to the club!  We’re all broken and in need of a Savior.  You think you’re too messed up for Him to use?  Look at the people in the Bible-Noah, Moses, David, Rahab, Mary Magdalene, and Paul just to name a few.  They messed up, but God used them in mighty ways.  Ways that brought Him glory; that fulfilled His promises and purposes.

If you need healing, who better to heal you than Jesus?

You need acceptance?  Who better to accept you than The One who was rejected by man.

You need love?  You’ll never find anyone who will love you more.  I guarantee it.

You want to know there’s something beyond the life you’re living?  That God has a plan for you?  You bet.  1,000% He does. (Jeremiah 29:11)

But you have to stop running friend.  You have to let go of the things that have held you captive and release them to God.  There is nothing too dirty, too painful or too burdensome that God can't handle or that you cannot be forgiven and redeemed from. 

What if today, you stopped running, stopped pursuing other things and gave yourself back to Him? 

You are never too far gone for God.  You can always come home.  Will you come?

Lord Jesus,

I don’t know why we run from you.  I don’t know why we think our ways are better than yours. Forgive us for turning away when what our hearts need most is You.  You give us this beautiful parable in Luke 15.  A story of the prodigal son returning home.  He thinks he will be met by his father with haste and anger, yet he is welcomed with open arms, a celebration of return.  You give us this beautiful example of your love for us in this story.  Thank you for your unending patience and grace with us.  Thank you for open arms and unending love.  You are the only thing that can truly fulfill us.  Draw us closer to you and help us to run fast to you.  Fast to your everlasting arms. 

In Your Name, Amen. 

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Finding Your Joy in Motherhood

I realize my post title today may have caused you to pause for a moment.  Finding your joy?  Isn’t motherhood always joyful?

Maybe for you it is.  Me?  I must admit that there are often times I have trouble finding my joy in motherhood.

I know what you’re probably thinking.  How can she say that? 

I know.  I hear myself read the words aloud and I would probably be having the same thoughts you may be having about me right now.  It sounds terrible.  But in this current season of mommyhood, it’s honest.  So today, if you're a mama who is struggling to find her joy in motherhood...this one is for you sister.  

Let me start by saying, I absolutely find joy in my children.  I love them more than my own life and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in this world.  But one night I was standing over a sink full of bottles that needed to be washed in a kitchen that looked like a tornado had come through it, and I realized that I was having some serious trouble finding my joy in motherhood.

You see, becoming a mother utterly rocked my world.  I was no longer responsible just for myself, but now held all responsibility for this tiny, precious child.  I was now a co decision-maker for someone else's life and I took the weight of barring that responsibility heavily.  

My husband and fellow co-decision maker,  is wonderful and we absolutely are a team {playing man on man defense most days}.  But I began to hold resentment towards him and the fact that in my mind, I was carrying the weight.  I was the one responsible for making sure everyone got to where they needed to go, the house was clean (I mean er, picked up), dinner was on the table, stuff for school was packed, appointments made, etc.   Maybe it was the fact that I had recently had baby girl #2 (hello postpartum hormones!), but all of the sudden I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. 

I began to feel weighed down with the responsibility of being a mama to these two precious girls.  

It wasn’t them.  It wasn’t even my husband.  It was me.  It was my attitude towards the day to day, running a household, trying my hardest to remember everything and hold the fort down thing that got to me.  To put it simply, I was overwhelmed with the responsibility that being a mother often brings. To be looked at as someone's everything proved to be a bit more than I could handle.    

Washing bottles.  Doing the laundry.  Picking up toys night after night.  Cleaning the house.  Keeping schedules in order.  Packing lunches.  I mean, they aren’t things that exactly rev my soul up, ya know?

I would rather focus on snuggling with my babies, reading books to my oldest at bedtime, playing dress up, and making silly faces to get my littlest one to laugh out loud.  Oh that sweet sound of a child laughing.    It will never grow old to me.  You know, I just want the sweet moments of motherhood.  The moments that cause your heart to bust with joy and contentment. The moments they make movies about on the Hallmark Channel. 

The responsibility for running the day to day duties, well, I could easily give those up to someone more qualified.  

Back to the night where I stood over that sink full of bottles that needed to be washed, in the kitchen that looked like a tornado had hit it, I was convicted that it was my attitude that needed to be changed. 

I needed a heart of servanthood.

Credit: Catt Liu

  

Heck, more than my heart, I needed my mind to shift towards servanthood.  These tasks may be time consuming or even aggravating to do at times, but I can teach my girls what service looks like, what the love of Jesus looks like, if I change my heart and do these things with a joyful attitude.

In order to change my heart from groaning to servanthood, I needed strong help from the Holy Spirit. 

And so I prayed. 

Lord, change my heart. 

Help me to see that this is not just washing bottles, but a way to serve my family.  Help me to be grateful that we have toys for our children to play with when there are others who don’t have this same privilege.  Change my perspective.  Show me how to serve my family through the small everyday tasks.  Convict me when I begin to groan again. 

Changing my heart towards servanthood is a process.  One I need to check myself daily on.  Some days are better than others and I find it easy to find joy in those tasks.  Other days, I can feel my heart is not a servant’s heart and I have to quickly reassess myself and adjust my perspective.

Have I prayed for my family today?  Was I in God’s word today?  Am I just tired? Was there a problem I had earlier in the day that may be affecting the way I’m acting now?  These are just a few of the questions I use to reflect on.  This process may look differently for you. 

Notice, I didn't call this post "Finding THE Joy in Motherhood," but rather "Finding YOUR Joy in Motherhood," because joy may look differently for each of us.  You may be a mama that enjoys doing the day to day activities and excels at being the "go to" for your household.  If you are one of these mamas, let me just say, you rock.   I don't measure up in this arena and you mama's seriously amaze me with your heart for service for your family in this way.

Or maybe you're a mama who is overwhelmed with financial burdens and you're trying your best to make due with what you have to offer.  You want the best for your family and you're carrying around so many burdens; offering so much sacrifice.   Find joy?  You're focusing on the next bills coming in, just trying to make it through the days.  I've been there.  I still am there. God sees you sister.  I see you too.

Maybe your kids drive you insane sometimes.  Maybe they even make you straight crazy.  But you love them.  You adore them.  But this mama thing is hard.  Period.  It's the hardest and best job all rolled into one.  I see you today too.  You're just trying to hold it all together for fear that one more thing may send you over. the. edge.  Oh sister, my heart for you is deep.  

Maybe it isn’t motherhood you need to find your joy in.  Maybe it’s your marriage.  Your job.  Or maybe you need to find your joy in yourself again. 

Whatever you need to find your joy in again, can I encourage you today to approach it with a new perspective?  One of servanthood and grace.  Sometimes joy can be found in the little things like bath time or singing at the top of your lungs in the car with your kids.  Sometimes, it's a bit harder to find if you're weighed down with burdens.   But sister, it's there.  

You know, I have to remind myself sometimes that as aggravating as those bottles are to wash, they will soon be gone because my baby will be grown.  One day, sooner than I hope it to be, those toys will be put away or given to another family because my girls will be too old for toys like Sophia and Elmo.  And I will stand over the sink in my kitchen that will probably still look like a tornado hit it, and I’ll think back to the time when surviving the day to day of raising small children was a hard feat.  One I often failed at. 

  

But hopefully I will  have taught my daughters what a heart to serve others looks like, because they will have learned from their mama who took joy in doing the little everyday things for them; like packing their lunches and doing their laundry.  Oh how I pray I teach them how to love and serve others as He has called us to do!

If you're struggling to find your joy today, let me encourage you.  I know it's hard sometimes.  I also know that I serve a God who has created me to be the mother to my two precious girls. Not a perfect mother.  But the mother that they need.  And that is something I take immense joy in.  

May you find your joy in motherhood today friend. 

May you find it in your marriage, or your job, or yourself.  

May you take delight in the things that we so often overlook.

 May you go forward pursuing a heart of servanthood.  

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Putting in the Elbow Grease

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” My husband asked with a puzzled look on his face.

“Lowes…to get paint.  I’m repainting the bathroom tonight,” I said with determination.

“You’re going to paint the entire bathroom tonight?”

He obviously didn’t see what a crafty mood I was in. This non-DIY girl was looking to change her ways and spruce up some things around the house.  We had been talking about repainting our bathroom for months.  Ever since we had moved into our new home, the original color we picked, well…it just didn’t fit.  I left the store paint and brushes in tow; ready to give a facelift to my drab bathroom walls.



I primed and painted…and painted…and painted.  Ugh.  Hours passed by and I felt like I hadn’t even made a dent.  I had started off so strong and with such determination to finish this project in one evening.  I wanted to wake up to a whole new bathroom in the morning and that dream was slowly fading away.

“Turned out to be more than you could handle?” My husband asked peaking in from the doorway.

Boy did it ever.  I guess I didn’t take into account the time it would take to carefully paint all the crevices and make sure there were no paint streaks; let alone the time it takes painting around the trim.  I just wanted the fast result of a new improved room.

I’m often guilty of doing this same thing with my faith and maybe you are too.  I want a fast result without really having to put the hard work in.   You know the elbow grease as we say.

What do I do about this situation Lord?

I’m tired of waiting Lord.  I’ll just take matters into my own hands. 

What have you called me to do with my life God?

That sounds like too much work.  What about ____ (fill in the bank) instead?

Show me your will Lord.

But really only if it matches up to my own plan. 

Any of these sound familiar?  How many of us are reading books about the Bible and its promises to us, but we aren’t actually going to the source?  Skimming over scripture but not taking the time to memorize it or understand the context of it?

We want the result of a faithful, trusting relationship with God but we don’t want to actually put the work in to get it there. 

I know this isn’t the easiest conversation to have with ourselves (believe me I know) but it’s a necessary one.  The truth is that if we truly want and desire that kind of relationship with God we’re going to have to go deeper and we can’t just bypass the crevices, or hard stuff.  We’re going to have to put the work in.





I overestimated my project and thought I could just slap some paint on the walls and have a whole new bathroom.  And you know, sometimes that works.

But that’s not how our faith works.  That’s not how our relationship with God is supposed to work.

We can’t expect our marriages or finances or situations to change if we don’t put the work in, if we don’t dig deep with God.

So what does digging deep with God even look like?

Well it may look different for each one of us.  For me in this season of life it means reading His word every day, marking scripture and memorizing it, facing fears and learning to die to myself and live for Christ.  If I want to hear from God I have to leave myself open to really hearing Him and not just what I want to hear.



When I’m reading scripture I can’t twist it to mean something it doesn’t just because I want it to mean something warm and fuzzy or different.  I need to seek God and find out what it is He wants me to receive from His word.



For you, it may be something totally different.  Maybe memorizing scripture isn’t where you need to put the work in right now.  Maybe it’s your marriage, your children, your job, friendships; it could be a number of things.



We can’t be scared to discover this deeper relationship with God.  Sometimes we can be hesitant of this because it means we’ll have to do things we are afraid of, face past hurts, or we think it will be too much work on us.

But you know what?  It should be a lot of work.  Jesus died for me, for you, for us all.  That alone should leave me pining for a deeper relationship with Him.  I shouldn’t have a just slap some paint on the walls relationship with Jesus.



Are you in this place today too?  Are you wanting a fast result with your faith but aren’t really willing to put the work in?  If this is something you’re struggling with, leave a comment and let’s talk about how we can be an encouragement to one another.



You know, there are times when the sun hits the top of my bathroom walls at just the right angle and I can still see parts of the wall I missed while painting that night.  I don’t want the same thing to be true of my relationship with God.  I want to go through every crevice with Him.  I can guarantee the reward will far exceed a new bathroom look.

2

Push Through the Pain

Recently I started training for my first 5K race.  If you’ve read any of my other blog posts, you know that running and me…well we’re not real fond of each other.  I want to like it I do, but it just fights against everything my body wants to naturally do.  Until recently that is.

Training for and completing this 5K race has become a personal goal of mine.  For me, it’s really been an act of obedience to God for three reasons:

1)       It’s out of my comfort zone.

2)      It’s something that I never imagined I could do (physically).

3)      I know that God is trying to reveal something to me about his power and my ability to fully trust Him.

 

God has already shown me so much in the few weeks since I started training. And I’m going to be honest; it’s not been as hard as I thought it would be initially.  My handy app lets me know when to run and for how long and I simply blast my music and do my thing.  Now for someone like me that’s a beginner, this is an accomplishment.  But yesterday, after a few weeks in-what I had been waiting on finally happened…

 

It got hard.

 

And I don’t just mean Oh I don’t feel like running today hard.  I mean like painful hard.  I didn’t even make it the first ten minutes and my shins were on fire.  My cheeks were burning from the cold air.  My feet were so heavy I thought at any point I was going to take a nose dive right there on the street.  And I wasn’t prepared for it.

My first impulse was to stop, throw my hands up and say “Lord, I’m sorry.  I tried, but this hurts too much. I quit.”

But I didn’t want to quit.  I wanted to push through the pain so that I could finish my run.  So instead, I prayed Lord, take away this pain I’m feeling.  This is beyond my physical ability now.  Just take the pain away so I can focus on my run and focus on finishing.

 

But the pain never fully went away.  What I did learn to do though, is adapt to it.  I had to make a decision then and there.  Was I going to continue and push through the pain or was I going to let it get the best of me?

 

Sometimes we’re going to have to push through the pain.   It’s going to hurt.  We may cry.  We may question why.  We may even want to forget the whole thing all together and just quit.

 

But don’t stop pushing through the pain.

Because God’s word tell us that after the pain comes joy.  What a testament to God’s power and our faithfulness to him to say “I have come through the pain and now I feel joy!”

Could God have taken my pain away that day and made my run easier?

Absolutely.

Did he?

No.

And I’m not going to try and start a guessing game as to why; because well…we don’t know why he has us go through the pain sometimes when he could take it away.   His reasons far outweigh my own understanding.  And often we aren't prepared for the pain we experience.   It comes in the form of something we aren't expecting: a death, job loss, a marriage vow broken.  When we don't expect the pain it can be even harder to push through or to understand why.

Are you trying to push through the pain of something in your life today?

 

I know it’s hard. 

 

I know it hurts. 

 

And I know that right now you want to quit. 

 

 

Keep pushing.

It is not by our strength alone that we can come through the pain.  The power of Christ alone will compel us forward to a place of true joy.  I pray that today you’ll be encouraged to keep pushing through whatever pain you're going through because joy WILL come in time...or after your run.

 

 

...Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.  Psalm 30:5 (NLT)

0

Be in the Present

The dishes were piled up in the sink, along with the bills that needed to be paid and all I could do was sigh out loud.  My daughter continued to fight going down for her afternoon nap and I hadn't eaten lunch that day.  There was a dirty diaper out I had forgotten to throw away and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.   This was after all, what I had wanted for a long time.  This wasn't the way I had wanted it to happen, but the result was all the same.

I was smack-dab in the middle of my 5 week Living & Active Challenge when my everyday routine, my comfort, was shaken.  When I started with the first week of this challenge I shared with you in a video that Satan comes after those that are obedient to God and His plan, and friends I was no exception.

I had been laid off work due to the government shutdown.  My husband and I weren't sure how long I’d be out of work, or if I’d be able to come back at all the way everyone was speculating about things.  So this full-time working mama went straight to staying at home with her baby girl, and I wasn't so sure I was doing so well at my new job.

Uncertainty filled my eyes in the form of tears as I became overwhelmed at my new role and how much my life had suddenly changed in a moment’s notice.  But friends, as these feelings of doubt washed over me, I felt the Lord’s presence and heard Him say these precious words to my soul:

Be in the present.

 

So often our society focuses on the next thing.  We schedule out dates in our planners 2 years in advance.  We barrel through one task to get to the next one.   Our phones are always nearby so that we don’t miss a single thing that’s happened on Facebook or Twitter.   We continually focus on what needs to be done, rather than what’s been done.

In that moment standing over my kitchen sink full of dishes, the Lord reminded me of the precious time He had given me and it wasn't to be taken for granted.

Sometimes we’re meant to be in the present.

 

Sometimes we’re meant to just stop, rest, and enjoy the moment.  Because y’all, we’re missing it.  The leaves are starting to change color where I live which signals fall is here.  They will soon fall to the ground, be swept up into a pile and then discarded for the next season to arrive.

Don’t discard this moment in your life.  You won’t get it back.  Some of you reading this may not like where you’re at in your life at the present moment and that’s okay.  Something is to be said for the present you are in now.  God is working in your life right now.  Friend, He is there working even if you don’t see Him.   When we focus too much on the future, we miss out on what the Lord is doing in our lives in the present.

How is God working in your life right now?  What is He revealing to you in the present?

 

That day I decided to lay with my daughter for her nap.  I held her in my arms and laid my head against hers and watched her sleep peacefully.  I spent time taking her in; her facial features, how little her hands were, how she smiled in her sleep.  Because the fact is-

This moment is just a season of time.

One day her hands won’t be that little anymore.  One day she will grow up before my eyes and friends, I don’t want to miss a moment of this sweet present.

Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that the Lord has plans for our future, but He also has plans for us in the present.  He wants us to soak up these moments in our lives; trials or triumphs, hardships or difficulties, dirty dishes or a spotless house and find Him there in the midst of it.

These seasons in our lives come and go so quickly.  They are but moments in time.

I had every intention of writing through my 5 week challenge and sharing that journey with you.  But I felt God calling me to be in the present and just enjoy my time with daughter, so that’s what I did.   I am happy to share with you that I did complete my 5 week challenge and did return back to work.  I look back on that short precious time and I’m so thankful I took time to be in the present.

Friends, don’t miss what God is doing in the present. 

Is God calling you to be in the present?

Do you have trouble staying the present?

How is God working in your life in the present moment?

 

 

 

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Sometimes It's the Little Things...

Good morning friend  :)


We are having beautiful sunny days here and I'm anxiously anticipating warmer weather that is right around the corner.  I was on my way to work this morning, sunglasses on, radio blasting Chris Tomlin-ready for the day.  I just felt the sudden urge to ask God to lay something on my heart to write this morning. 

With that prayer came this thought:

sometimes it's the little things. 

A few weeks ago, my daughter Brooke was diagnosed with Torticollis and Plagiocephaly.  My husband and I had never even heard of these conditions before, so you can imagine our shock as Brooke's pediatrician broke the news to us.  As she went over the long-term effects and treatment options, I could barely focus.  Brooke was born with it, but we never knew it.  We had just finished a significant battle with weight gain and a diagnosis of silent reflux and now this.  On the outside I nodded my head in understanding but on the inside I was feeling so many emotions. 

I was resentful to be honest.  Why did my child have to have these issues?  I questioned.  And then questioned some more.  Every night my sweet girl would spend her evenings screaming while other babies seemed to be smiling and playing.  If we wanted her to look at us we had to get on her left side.   

Over the next few weeks we began physical therapy exercises to correct the Torticollis and Plagiocephaly.  Brian and I even joke that Brooke's theme song should be "to the left, to the left" (insert best Beyonce impression here) because that's the only direction she would look!

Until this morning that is. 

While I was getting ready for work, Brooke was in her boppy pillow on our bed.  She was babbling and I was doing my usual "where is mama" talk and she did it.  She actually looked for me...on her right side!  And then she kept her head straight for about 45 seconds.   This was a huge victory for us! 

Photo Credit: Amanda Martinsen



I was so excited that she did it that I screamed GOOD GIRL! in such a high pitched voice that I think I scared her.  But hey, I was a proud mama.  We've still got a long road ahead until we can fully treat her condition, but just her doing that this morning shows me that sometimes it's the little things. 



God is in the little things.

Sometimes we have to find victory in the little things.  Not all our days will be spent doing something incredible like Noah when he built the ark, or David when he defeated Goliath.  

Sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest difference.  The woman at the well was simply there getting some water, a mundane task to many of us.  But she ended up on a big journey...with Jesus.  

So if today you're struggling with feeling like you're not doing something "big enough" with your life or you're like me and you question a certain trial you are facing now-stay strong in faith with me friend.  God is there with you, here with me, and in the midst of all of us.  

God calls us to do big AND little things for His kingdom.    



Credit: Pinterest

I am so thankful that Brooke's condition is treatable and was caught early.  There are so many children that are facing more than she is and I am thankful hers is not more serious than it is.  But it does make me appreciate her little victories and rejoice in the ones to come. 

What little things have you been blessed by?

What has God shown you through the simple things in life?

Have a blessed day friend, and may you always find joy in the little things. 
Amanda

For more information on Torticollis/Plagiocephaly click on the following links:

http://www.babybegin.net/

http://www.plagiocephaly.info/resources/publications.htm

http://www.oandp.org/jpo/library/2004_04S_018.asp

 

5

Changing Lanes

One evening not too long ago, I was driving home and went to make the left turn into my neighborhood.  Suddenly I noticed the string of orange traffic cones and signs reading “No Entering” blocking off my turn lane. To complete the picture, workers in reflective vests were in the process of tearing up the road.

In a split second I had to merge lanes again to avoid running into the “No Entering” sign. My route had to change on the spot, and I hadn’t been prepared for it.  I had had no warning at all, just a sign and some good quality brakes, thank goodness!

Has this ever happened to you? 

 

 

Not so much the traffic situation, but the quick change in the  or course of your life.

 

 

There you are, going about your normal everyday routine and BAM, there is a change you didn’t see coming.

 

 

 

To read the rest of this post, head on over to More to Be!

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The Birth of a Fighter

I've been wanting to write and share our daughter Brooke's birth story for some time now, but as usual I had to wait for God to lay the right message and words on my heart. I would love to finally share with you the birth of our miracle baby. 

I had no idea the journey that would lay ahead of me when I stared at those two pink lines.  I had no idea how I would be changed by someone so small.  I had no idea the trials we would endure to get her here and get her healthy.  And I certainly had no idea how God would use our situation to once again show us how great and powerful He really is.

My pregnancy with Brooke was filled with ups and downs; many that a lot of people never even knew about.  Brian and I were so relieved to have gotten pregnant at all that we never would have thought anything could go wrong.  At our first doctors appointment in my first trimester we were asked to come back the next week because my tests had revealed extremely low progesterone levels in my blood work.  This basically meant the baby wasn't growing.  We hadn't been able to hear a heartbeat yet, but it was early so I had faith that it would be there at our next appointment.  My doctor cautioned us that I may not carry the baby much longer.

At our next appointment we cautiously watched as the doctor tried to find a heartbeat.  Please Lord, let there be a heartbeat.  I know this baby is a fighter.  And there it was.  Boom.  Boom.  Boom.  Thank you Lord!  I will never forget my doctor telling us how surprised he was to hear a heartbeat that day and that it looked like baby was improving and growing on track.  "Well, that's where my God trumps your medical science all the time," I said with a confident smile. 

Fast forward through the next few months of morning sickness, picking out cute outfits, hosting a gender reveal party, and lining up baby showers.  We found out we were having a girl and couldn't have been more thrilled to start planning for her arrival. 

At our church shower: Alice in Wonderland theme!

Around the 26th week of my pregnancy I began to itch all over my body.  It was so severe that it kept me up at night. I would just claw away at my hands and feet.  Something in my gut told me this was not normal.  I called the doctor and made an appointment because I wanted to make sure it wasn't cholestasis of pregnancy or ICP.  My doctor assured me that ICP was extremely rare but to come in anyway and we would run some tests.

On October 31st I was driving in my car when my doctor called with the news that I did in fact have ICP.  I really don't know how I kept my eyes on the road.  Being diagnosed with ICP meant that Brooke would have to be delivered early because once past 38 weeks, a high risk of stillbirth could occur.  It meant being monitored extremely closely for the remainder of my pregnancy, being put on a handful of medications to monitor my blood levels and itching, and having her and I both exposed to many other scary risks.  This condition is so rare that my wonderful doctor had only ever had one other woman have it in his years of practice.  Most likely Brooke could have some difficulty breathing when she was born and I had the possibility of hemorrhaging as a side effect. Although the itching was unbearable at times, I told myself it was temporary and it would be over soon.  I also tried to have a sense of humor about it all.  I mean, I would be the one to get a rare condition!

On January 6th, I was admitted into our hospital and they began my induction process.  I had just turned 37 weeks.   

After 3 long days of labor and waiting; filled with moments of threatening a C-section, heart rate drops, and dangerous obstacles, we finally got to meet our beautiful girl. 

I have only shared the following pictures of Brooke with family and close friends.  I didn't want everyone seeing her in the state she was in when she was born, but now I understand that it's part of God's story for her.    

  

Brian and I didn't get to have the moment like what you often see on T.V.  There were no tears of joy, or a moment where she was put directly on my chest and we locked eyes for the first time.  Brooke had swallowed meconium and had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and wasn't breathing when she came out.  No one would tell us anything about her condition but I knew it was bad.  I didn't even know what she looked like, I could just hear her struggling to breathe.  She wasn't that beautiful pink color some babies are, she was blue.  She was immediately surrounded by doctors, nurses, and a respiratory team.  Then she was quickly taken to the NICU where she fought for her life. We just recently found out that her APGAR score was a 3 at birth.

One of the sweetest moments after Brooke was born was between my mother in law and I. They had been working on Brooke for some time and weren't telling us anything. My mother in law came into my room and put her check to my check and we both just started crying. She leaned into my ear and began to pray for Brooke. I will always cherish that beautiful moment between us. It helped me to calm down and begin to grasp what had happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It wasn't the blissful moment I had thought it would be.  It became about survival for my daughter.  I just wanted her healthy.  I wanted her safe.  I wanted to hold her, but I couldn't.  That was the most difficult thing I think.  I sat by her in the NICU just watching her trying to live and I couldn't hold her, comfort her.  Finally getting to hold her was a huge victory but it broke our hearts to see her hooked up to all those wires and machines. 

 

 

 

 

 

Over the next few days Brooke made great strides and it was such a joyous moment when we were finally able to have her in our hospital room.  We had so many people praying for us that I know it made a difference in Brooke's recovery. 

 

After a LONG stay in the hospital, we were finally able to bring Brooke home.  We would still have a battle with jaundice and weight loss ahead, but Brooke continued to fight her way through everything. 

 

Almost two weeks to the day after I had Brooke, I began to hemorrhage.  I walked out the door of our house thinking I might not return to my baby girl.  It was the scariest thing I have ever experienced.  After a successful surgery, I was able to return home to my sweet girl and finally begin my recovery.  Brooke and I were two peas in a pod, sharing our war wounds. 

 

 

 

Brooke amazes me everyday.  From the very beginning she's had to fight her way through everything.  I definitely think God blessed us with a strong willed little girl. 

 

Although I didn't know all the trials we would face throughout my pregnancy and Brooke's birth, I see now how God made all that a part of her story.  She's already dealt with a lot and that's going to contribute to her character as she grows up. 

 

I'm so happy to share that Brooke is a healthy girl now.  She is beautiful.  Strong.  A night owl like her mama.  Laid back like her daddy.  And she is a child of God.  We can't wait to raise her up to be an example of all that God has blessed her with and His never ending love.  Her birth once again showed me God's power and His unending presence.  There is no sunshine message in this post other than to say that God never lead us down the wrong path during this whole experience.  I know that His healing hand was always over both of us at all times.  The situation could have easily been worse, but He wrapped Brooke in His arms and gave her strength to get better.  So yeah, I guess that is a sunshine message.  She is my sunshine.  She is my message.                  

 

 

Go now baby girl and make your place in this world. 

 

Brooke Catherine Martinsen

01.09.13

7lbs. 0oz.

20.5 inches long

 

 

Thank you for reading this long post!  There was so much to share and I confess that I need to work on editing down my posts!

 

 

Have you or someone you know been diagnosed with ICP?  Click here for more information on the condition and treatment options. 

 

What trials have you faced where you God gave you the strength to fight through them?

 

 

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Releasing Control & Learning to Let Go

I have a confession to make today.  My name is Amanda and I have a problem with

control. 

It feels good to get off my chest.  I know that this is an issue that many of us struggle with when it comes to our faith.  For months, I’ve wanted to share with you my journey to learning to finally start letting go of my control issues and fully trusting in the Lord.  But until now, I hadn’t found the right words.

You might remember a past devotional I wrote called The Stop Sign.  The majority of the post was about the struggle I have always had about my body, but in that post I also wrote about how I strongly felt God speak to me and say “I am in control.”  Friends, I want to now share more about that powerful dream that still gives me goose bumps when I think about it.

When my husband Brian and I felt like it was time to start our family last year, we assumed we would have no trouble getting pregnant.   We had prayed for God to let us know when the right time to start our family would be and now we just needed to hand it over to Him to bless us with that. 

It always seems easy to keep the mindset that everything “is in God’s timing,” to begin with because it’s new.  But after months and months had gone by with no luck, I found myself questioning.  Why didn’t God want to bless us with a baby?  Were we doing something that wasn’t pleasing to Him?  Did He think we weren't ready?

Have you ever found yourself here? 

When things are going our way {smoothly} we find it easy to trust God.  It’s when things get difficult that we begin to question.  And boy did I ever question. 

On the outside I trusted God.  I prayed multiple times a day that in His timing I knew He would give us a baby, in whatever way that would be.  Meanwhile I rushed home twice a day to test my ovulation patterns, tracked my body temperatures, changed my diet, tried to “de-stress” my life, and concentrated on not getting consumed with all things baby.  Brian and I even started having conversations about what we would do if we couldn’t get pregnant naturally.  Would we adopt?  Would we try other methods?  I wasn’t trusting in God at all. 

 I was in control of the situation. 

In my mind, God was taking too long to answer our prayers, so I was taking it upon myself to change the situation and the outcome.

  

Let me also confess that I have a problem with patience.  Usually when I make up my mind to do something, I want it to happen now.  It goes back to my control issue!  ;)

And this drove me crazy because I couldn’t control it!  I couldn’t control my body, or Brian’s body, and I couldn’t control God’s timing.   

Do you identify with a situation in your life friends? 

That cool morning in March I woke up with the strongest feeling I have ever felt in my life.  God spoke powerfully to me. 

I am in control. 

It was so clear.  So simple.  Why had I struggled with this?  If I knew that God would provide us with a baby in some way, some day, and in His timing, why was I fighting the control?  I knew that He knew best.  He could see the bigger picture of things when I could not.  He already knew when He would provide us this blessing.  He knew when their birthday would be, how much they would weigh when they were born, if it would be a boy or a girl, and what their name would be.  He already knew everything about them, and here I was questioning Him because I wanted to be in control.

After that strong statement I knew I had to relinquish my control to God.  Along with praying for a child, I now prayed that God would help me trust in His timing and let me let go of my need for control over the situation. 

Do you find yourself here today friends?  Is there something that you are trying to control in your life?  Something you don’t understand God’s reasoning for?

The day before Mother’s day I found out we were expecting our first child.  Before I tested, I laid in bed praying that God would prepare my heart for the negative result that I was so sure would be there.  I had played this emotional roulette with myself for so long, I had expected it.  We had even had a false positive at one point where I thought I was pregnant, but wasn't.  But I knew God was in control and not me.

Instead, two of the most beautiful pink lines were there.  Brian and I were so shocked and surprised that it had finally happened we didn’t know what to do.  So we just hugged, cried, and jumped up and down! 

I share this story with you not because I feel our journey to becoming parents is any more difficult than anyone else’s.  Through our journey and struggles I have been able to meet and share with other women who have had difficultly and have struggled longer than we did.  Their stories are amazing examples of faith and strength. 

I share this with you because of what God taught me throughout our struggle.  He’s still working with me on the whole control thing, because let’s face it; Rome wasn’t built in a day!  But He's showed me unfailing love and He TOLD me I needed to release my need for control to Him. 

Please friends, if there is something you are struggling to control, pray that God will help you release it. 

I know that God blessed us with our baby girl in His timing, not ours.  So when we finally get to meet her in January, we’ll find comfort in knowing that God already knows her and already has His plan laid out for her life.  The timing of us getting pregnant with her matches up perfectly to the plan He has laid out for her life.  Now, we have the greatest adventure ahead of us because He loves us so much.  He didn't want to see us hurt or question Him, He wants us to fully trust in Him and His plan.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

 

What examples do you have where you relinquished control to God?   I would love to read your stories. 

Blessings Friends,

Amanda

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