To the One Who First Made Me a Mommy

The other night you asked me if you could be alone in your room for a bit. You wanted to lay on your bed and read a few books before going to bed.  We always do this together but tonight, just for tonight you said, you wanted to do it by yourself.

You are five now after all. That’s what you tell me.

I kiss you on the forehead and head towards your bedroom door.  I turn around one more time to ask if you’re sure you don’t need me, but I pause and watch you for a moment.  You grab your favorite books and your favorite pink blanket and you curl up with your feet tucked under you. You start laughing at something in one of your books.  It makes me smile.

You see, this request to be left alone seems small to you. I know it does. But to me, it’s a sign that the little girl in front of me is growing up. And to be honest with you it’s all happening too fast for my mama heart.

I know, I know. It’s something simple. But you see, as most mama’s do, we get to thinking about how fast the time goes by and how quickly we got to this point.

You see, you were my first. You were the first one who made me a mommy.  No one else will ever have that title except for you.  It’s quite special and unique. 

No one else will get to do the things you have done.  That we have done together.

You were the first diaper I changed. The first baby I nursed (although not very well. We’ll talk about this when you get older). The first one who made me realize that I could still function on less than a few hours of sleep a night. The first one to make me sing at the top of my lungs at 2am so you would stop crying.

You were the first one to walk. The first to talk. The first one to make me see what having my heart walk outside of my body felt like. Turns out it’s both terrifying and wonderful all at the same time.

You were the first one who made me understand in the best way I could just how much God really loves us.  Because oh man, you did a number on me kid.

I am forever messed up because of you and I mean that in the best way possible. You, with your strong-willed mind and your tender heart.  You were both a great blessing and my greatest test.

I feel like my job as your mother is to be honest with you about things. About life. About faith.  And well, there have been many a nights I have cried out to God that He made a mistake making me your mama.  It wasn’t about you, it was about me and my abilities.  My prayers consisted of doubt and fear and wanting so desperately to do right by you.

But God doesn’t make mistakes you know. That’s what He gently reminds me of from time to time about us.  He whispers to my heart that He chose you and I to do this life thing together and that I need to trust Him more about that.

And so I will.

I will trust myself less and trust in God more. I will trust that He has a beautiful plan for your life. He has those for all His children. A plan that I’m sorry to tell you, won’t be without pain or struggle or hard trials. But it is a plan that will be worth living out. A plan that I pray will lead to you to walk with Him in a very real, intimate way.

More than anything that is what I hope you see traced through your life as you continue to grow.  I hope you see it lived out and walked out, even sometimes cried out, every single day of your being. That you grow up knowing the love of your daddy and I, but even more that you know the love of Jesus.

My special one, the one that first made me a mommy, I wish you could see how you’ve changed me. Who I was before you. Who I was after you. Who I will become as we continue to grow up together. I can’t wait to see how God moves in your life. How you grow. How you live for Him and spread His love to others.  

It is a joy to watch and an honor to be chosen to be your mama. And so, to the one who first made me a mommy...

Thank you for being you. 

Thank you for the grace you give that you don’t even understand. 

Thank you for teaching me what unconditional love looks like.

Thank you most of all for showing me the places of my heart that needed attention. That needed the healing of The One who created you and I both. You showed me in so many ways my greater need for a Savior.  

By design you came first, and by grace we will walk this out together. So to you, to the first one, you have forever changed me and I love you dearly.

Love, 
Mom