The Stop Sign

This one’s gonna be a long one this week, but just hang in there with me! :)

My weight and body image has always been a big issue for me.  As a teenager I was so self-conscious of my body because I was overweight and I didn’t feel like I really fit in anywhere.  But I did discover that if I was always the one cracking jokes and if on the outside I was laughing, people wouldn’t be able to tell how hurt I was on the inside.  How I longed to fit in.  To be the “hot” or “beautiful” girl.  To be wanted. To finish the mile run in gym class when everyone else did.  To be accepted...by others, but more importantly…myself.  It’s something that has carried into my adult life, but let’s face it…adolescence is by far the toughest time to go through for most of us.  But I still feel the judgment, the longing to be accepted, and the desire to not feel like I need to “suck in” when taking pictures.  

Well friends, today when I woke up something was already stirring in my soul, something that I didn’t expect.  I woke up with this thought placed on my heart: I am in control.  Um…okay?  As I got up and got ready for work that statement kept running through my head.  “I must have had a really strange dream,” I thought to myself.  So I went to work and on about my day.  But that statement…that strong statement kept tugging at me all day. 

I’ve heard of people sharing their testimonies of how they heard God speaking to them strongly, almost as if He was just starting a conversation with them.  Could this be that?

 

Fast forward to this evening as I tore myself into different directions as to whether or not I should go to my Zumba class or trying something else. I've been trying to eat healthy and lose weight but I'm telling ya'll, exercise is HARD for me.  It just is. 

Run.  I heard it.  “Excuse me…God? Run?” I prayed.  That’s a little fact you should know about me…I DO NOT RUN.  I hesitate to use the word hate on my inspirational blog…but it borders it for me.  YES!  RUN!  I mean I’m always the first one to talk about how we should have faith and trust in God and listen when He’s laying something on our hearts…but…um…run?

But I obliged anyway and after dinner I grabbed my iPod, set it to my worship music and started to walk.  I really just felt like walking around my neighborhood, looking at the beautiful trees (pollen aside!) and seeing if God would speak to me again.  I decided that after I warmed up I would try to run.  The next song on my iPod was MercyMe’s Move.  Of all the songs to come on, I thought THAT must be the sign I needed to run.  But then something stopped me.

The scared teenager inside of me that has felt so judged and alone stopped me.  The adult that was afraid that the car passing by would think “why is she running?” stopped me.  The twenty-something that has battled with this her whole life stopped me.  And I actually attempted to make excuses to God on why I couldn’t run.  He would just need to understand…I couldn’t do it.  So MercyMe ended and I was furious with myself for letting the enemy- {Satan} get into my head and tell me I couldn’t do it.  

So as I rounded another block, I decided to try again.  But this time I prayed.  I prayed Lord, I can’t do this without you.  I literally need you to push me.  I want you to be in control…help me please.  Help me to not care what others think because YOUR opinion of me is what matters.  And before I knew it, I put “Move” back on and there I went.  {Insert Forrest Gump voice here} I WAS RUNNING!  

I prayed for God to push me to the stop sign.  I prayed for Him to help me breathe.  And so I did.  So when I finally made it to stop sign, I looked up and said “Thank you!” and gave a big smile to The One who literally pushed me for a half a mile.  Hey it’s not much, but it’s something!  I also thought about how much Jesus and His disciples walked throughout their journey of sharing the gospel with others.  I was complaining about a 1/2 mile run and Jesus along with His disciples would walk for miles and miles on end to share the love of God. 

I always want this blog to be an honest place for me, so I’m not gonna lie…it took me the walk back to my house to recover from my sprint.  But when I saw my house appear over the hill, I ran again…only faster (probably because the end was in sight!) and I finished.  Exhausted.  Out of breath.  But complete.

Friends, today I couldn’t have made it to that stop sign without giving up my control to The One who is always in control.  To some what I did today is a small triumph if anything.  But to me and my Creator, it was a release of control.  If you’re battling with something today that you need to release control of…do it.  Give it over to Him…He can take it all.  Take a deep breath and release whatever it is that you’re trying to have control over. 

I’m still not sure if God placed that statement I am in control on my heart for me or for one of you that needed to hear it too.  So if you needed to hear that statement as blatantly as I did, I’m with you.  Let’s run to the stop sign together.   

Here’s me after my triumphant run:

 Messy hair, red faced, and pouring sweat.  Yeah… it feels good to release control.  

Blessings,

Amanda